


When You're There

by scruffylou



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Emotions!, M/M, Minor Character Death, Murphamy - Freeform, Past Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2018-09-19
Packaged: 2018-12-15 08:31:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 31,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11802315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scruffylou/pseuds/scruffylou
Summary: Set after the last episode of Season 4.Now that they're in space again, things are a lot quieter. The time to think leaves Bellamy and Murphy both feeling very alone, for different reasons. Maybe letting each other in could be the thing that neither one of them knew they needed.





	1. who will fix me now?

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so the summary is shit. Yes. But, I promise you the story will be a lot better. This starts off very depressing, and the minor character death is in the first chapter, so be prepared for that. Everything is canon up to the beginning of this story. Everything in the first four seasons still happened. The only difference is that they have to stay in space for two and a half years, not five. 
> 
> Let me know what you think!

The cruel thing about radiation sickness is that after the first 12-24 hours of symptoms, you can go back to feeling completely normal before the dangerous side effects set in. It's a false sense of calm that maybe everything's going to be okay. And the cruelty of it was all Murphy could think about as he lay on the twin size bed that he and Emori had shared in one of the small apartments in the GoSci ring. Everyone else was in one of the hangar bays, having a little ceremony for the girl that had become somewhat of a friend to them before they opened the hatch and released her lifeless body. He couldn't bring himself to go. He'd already seen his father float away. He knew what it looked like. He didn't need to see one more. 

He thought of her face after they'd settled into the ship that first day and he took her to the observation deck to look out at all the stars. She was weak, feverish and throwing up, but you never could've guessed it when they were looking out that window. She was excited, talking a mile a minute and repeating, "John, this is beautiful! I've never seen anything like this!" He'd just smiled back at her, trying to remember the look on her face. 

After a few days in space, she seemed to be doing better. She said she thought it had just been her body adjusting to being above the atmosphere. And he believed her. He wanted to believe her so bad. 

Then one night in the middle of the night, he woke up to the sound of her throwing up in the bathroom in their apartment. He opened the door and leaned over her, holding her hair back and eventually getting her a cool cloth to put on her forehead. He helped her back to bed and told her not to worry. He was worried though. All he could think about was the hose being ripped out of her radiation suit and the blood hitting the inside of her helmet as she coughed violently. 

He woke up before her that morning and made his way down the hall to the lab, where he knew he'd find Raven. She was messing around with the radio when he walked in. He told her what had happened, told her what he was afraid was causing it. "I know you're not a doctor, but you're the smartest person on this ship. I don't know what to do,” he’d explained desperately.

Raven followed him back to the apartment planning to gently wake Emori so she could look her over, but when they opened the door to the bedroom, Emori was leaning over the side of the bed throwing up blood. Murphy looked at the dark red puddle on the tiled floor and went completely pale. He could feel Raven looking at him, but he wouldn't look back at her. He didn't need her to tell him that it was bad. 

It only got worse in the days that followed. Emori didn't leave their bed. Her nose would bleed anytime she used any energy to sit up and small blisters that looked like sunburn started to appear on her face. Murphy never left her side except to bring her food or water. He didn't sleep, he didn't eat. He was a walking skeleton, thin with dark bags under his eyes and hollow cheek bones. 

One night after he'd watched her throw up what looked like clots before she passed out from the exhaustion, he stormed into Raven's lab, demanding that she had to do something. The look on his exhausted, drawn out face was sharp and angry.  

She told him there was nothing she could do. They didn't have the resources or the medicine to be able to save her. She told him all he could do was make her comfotable. Murphy didn't want to accept that. He couldn’t accept it. He yelled at Raven, told her it was bullshit that she could stop her own heart and bring herself back to life but she couldn't save Emori. He knocked metal shelves full of supplies over in the lab. He raged like he never had before. 

Raven just stood back and let him, crossing her arms against her chest because it made her heart hurt to see him in so much pain. And when he was done and he had finally collapsed on the floor she let him sob while she held him, rubbing his back in slow circles and whispering calming things. Bellamy appeared in the doorway, probably because he heard all the noise and wanted to make sure she was okay. He looked from her to Murphy and she mouthed "it's okay," to him to let him know he could leave and she’d be alright. She understood what it felt like to watch someone you love die. She didn't wish it on anyone. Even Murphy. 

When little bits of Emori's hair began to fall out on her pillow and she was so weak she could barely speak, Murphy knew it was coming. He knew she'd be gone soon. He stayed with her still, holding her and talking to her. Telling her stories and telling her not to leave. Telling her it would be okay and she would be okay. In the middle of the night, she went quietly. He knew when he felt her stop breathing against his chest. When the ragged sound of her struggling to pull air into her lungs slowly stopped. He held her even after she was gone, crying into her hair and telling her he loved her. In the morning, Raven came to check on them and found him still holding her, rocking back and forth and staring at the wall in front of him with silent tears streaming down his face. His arms were wrapped around her small frame. Raven got the others and they came to help while she sat on the bed with her arms around Murphy. Bellamy and Echo carried Emori's body out of the apartment. He wouldn't speak when Raven asked him what he wanted them to do. He wouldn't look at her. Finally, she left him alone. 

Later she came back to tell him about the funeral. He didn't say anything, just waited for her to leave. And that was that. Another person gone from John Murphy's life. The last person who would ever love him, he thought. Who could love him now? 

These were the thoughts that ran through his head as he lay in their bed, staring at the cold metal ceiling. Eventually exhaustion took over and he fell asleep. 


	2. you always knew things wouldn't work out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright guys, don't expect updates every day, but I'm living in this story right now so here you go :b

**4 Months Later**

 

Bellamy sat on the bed in his room, staring at the calendar. He’d found a box of them in one of the researcher’s abandoned offices near the labs. It hadn’t been used, but it was for about three years before so the weekdays didn’t match up with the numbers. He didn’t really care, because at least he could still use it to measure time. Time seemed to be passing more slowly than it ever had.

He drew a big black X through the 30th and realized that they’d officially been in space for five months. Only two years and one month to go. He capped the marker and threw it on the floor, then sighed and leaned back against the wall with his eyes closed. He knew time was slow because he felt useless. 

On the ground, he’d been important. People came to him to be told what to do. Everyone listened to his ideas. He could hunt, and he could fight, and he could protect people and stand up for people. He always had something to do. Up here he felt like a caged animal, and more useless than he ever had in his life. 

Raven always seemed to be wrapped up in researching in the old workshop and in Med Bay. She was trying to educate herself on medical procedures because of their lack of a real medic, and Bellamy suspected it was also because she felt guilty that she hadn’t been able to save Emori.  At the same time she was trying to figure out a way they could eventually return to Earth and what it would be like once they got there. 

Monty had figured out how to get the oxygen scrubbers up and running again, and now he worked on the radio, trying to make contact with Octavia and the others. He had also been the one to figure out how to make water again. 

Harper was in charge of the algae they had to eat now and she’d also found some vegetable seeds when they were scavenging on the ship that she was trying to nurse into plants. Echo was helping her, _and_ learning to spacewalk from Raven. She was a quick study, and Bellamy found himself annoyed that even someone who wasn’t supposed to be up here with them was doing more than he was.

He’d known what his job had been on the ground, but up here all he could do was wander the empty halls aimlessly, exploring and remembering and trying to forget, missing Octavia and Miller and Clarke and even Kane. He missed the fresh, the green grass, the sounds and the sunny light cutting through the trees on Earth. There was too much time to think on the ship. And he hated feeling useless more than any other feeling. 

He spent a lot of time wandering through the offices and abandoned apartments, taking things he thought would be useful or interesting. He found a bunch of books in someone’s room and he spent a lot of afternoons sitting on his bed reading. He’d always liked to read, or listen to his mom reading to Octavia when they were young. It meant he could escape his own life for a few hours and imagine other worlds he’d never get to see.

It seemed like the only person who did less than him these days was Murphy. He rarely left his room, or if he did, it must’ve been when the rest of them were asleep, because they never saw him. Bellamy had visited him once a few days after Emori died. He’d knocked on the door of his living quarters, but there was no answer, so he let himself in. The apartment had been almost completely dark, and it was too quiet. He made his way to Murphy’s room, and he didn’t know what to say, so he’d just said hi. Murphy didn’t answer, but he could see his eyes glinting in the dark, so he knew he was awake. Bellamy had stuttered out an apology about what had happened to Emori and told him if he ever needed to talk he was around. Murphy didn’t respond right away, but then his raspy voice cut through the quiet and all he said was, “Go away, Bellamy.”

Things were still kind of awkward between them after their rocky relationship on the ground. Bellamy thought about it more than he’d say out loud. Guilt was a primary emotion for him these days and he couldn’t help but feel like he was partly to blame for Murphy always getting the shit end of the stick. At least once a day he thought about visiting him again to talk to him, to try to get him out of his dark apartment, but he stopped himself. If they were on the ground, maybe he could distract himself from worrying about it, but there were only five other people to think about up here and Murphy was always in the back of his mind. 

Clarke too. He’d thought when they got to space, that maybe something would happen. Maybe when they were finally alone, finally away from all the fighting and death, maybe the spark between them would ignite into something. But then she never made it. She’d been part of the original plan and in less than an hour, she had died saving them. It still didn’t seem real to him. He hadn’t even cried yet because he didn’t really believe it. There were still days he felt like she was alive, just waiting down there for them to come back, because somehow she’d made it. He knew it was stupid to think that she could’ve survived the death wave. It was just that she’d been larger than life, and to him it felt like someone like Clarke couldn’t die. 

No Clarke, no job, no sister, no purpose. Bellamy felt pointless. After he drew the X on the calendar every day, he usually turned off the light and went to sleep, but the restless prickling under his skin, and the tension in his arms and legs and the back of his neck was too much that night. He opened his eyes, threw the covers off of himself and left his little flat to take a walk. He didn’t really know what he was looking for, he was just trying to tire himself out enough to go to sleep.

 

* * *

 

Murphy lay in the artificial grass in the middle of the solar fields. The extra bright circadian lights that emulated sunshine were off for the night and he stared up into the dark, studying the stars that were so much closer up here than back on Earth. That was one of the only things he’d missed about the Ark. He liked to imagine that Emori was one of those stars now, glistening and blinking down at him. That way she was always with him. She was always with him anyway, even if he never saw another star again, even if he never saw anything. 

He sighed and tried to ignore the way his stomach churned when he thought about how alone he felt. He closed his eyes so it wouldn’t feel like the entire galaxy was falling on him, weighing on his chest. keeping him from breathing. If he’d just stayed on Earth, if he’d just accepted the fact that the death wave was coming, then at least they could’ve died together. At least he’d have been with her. It would’ve been faster. It would’ve been better.

The silence on the Ark was something he was still having a hard time getting used to. He was laying in a field in the dark. There should’ve been crickets. But there was nothing and it gave his mind too much room to roam. He thought about everyone left on the ship. He liked Raven, but she was usually too busy and too stressed to talk much or hang out, and he didn’t want to bother her. And he didn’t mind Monty and Harper, but they’d never been close. He sure as hell didn’t trust Echo though, or like her for that matter, so he tried his best to just stay away from her.

And then there was Bellamy. More than once since they’d come back to the Ark, he’d let himself remember how they used to be before they left for Earth on that first dropship. It seemed so long ago now. Bellamy had been his best friend when they were young. Murphy always looked up to him. Bellamy was older, stronger, smart, and charismatic. Murphy always felt like a little shit in comparison. He’d grown up skinny and pale, kind of awkward looking, and he’d been through a lot. He didn’t have a family after his dad was floated and his mom died. Not many people liked him because of his prickly exterior and smart mouth, but Bellamy never cared. Murphy liked to think he could see past it all. It’s not like Bellamy had the easiest life growing up either. He had taken Murphy under his wing, introduced him to people, encouraged him to think about joining the guard, and talked about how they’d rule the ship together someday. They’d caused a lot of trouble together too. And then they got to Earth and things changed. 

Murphy was still hurt, still bitter about the way things had played out. He still couldn’t connect the two versions of Bellamy that existed in his head. The boy he’d been best friends with on the Ark wasn’t the same person that had kicked the crate out from under him when he’d had a noose around his neck. He couldn’t make those two memories of Bellamy make sense together.

And it’s not like things had been easier after that. They’d just gotten harder. His exile from the group, being locked in the bunker near the City of Light, being captured and tortured by the grounders, and then Ontari…. And after all that, he’d still lost the only thing that had given him any kind of hope. Emori. He pictured her face as he started to drift off to sleep with the stars twinkling through the glass above him. 

He felt warm and peaceful, and he was almost completely asleep when he heard the rustle of footsteps in the grass near the entrance to the solar fields. He groaned and sat up on his elbows, leaning his head back to see who was coming in. Not like there were a lot of options. He squinted through the dark and saw curly, dark hair before he saw anything else. It was Bellamy.


	3. true friends stab you in the front.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is very short, but necessary. Thank you for your comments and for reading. It makes my day. :)

Bellamy didn’t really start walking with the intention of ending up in the solar fields. His feet just kind of lead him there. He guessed that was what happened when you wandered around aimlessly at night. This was a place he hadn’t really been much since they came back to the ship, and now he regretted it. It was peaceful, quiet and dark, and it smelled earthy and warm. He heard someone groan once he’d made it a few feet into the dark, greenhouse-like dome. There was movement in the grass about halfway across the fields.

“Thanks for waking me up, Blake,” a gravelly, flat voice said through the darkness. He knew it instantly, it was familiar even though he hadn’t heard it in a while. 

“Murphy, hey. What’re you doing in here?” Bellamy made his way across the fields toward the boy laying in the grass.

“I could ask you the same question,” Murphy deadpanned and laid back down, putting his hands behind his head.

“Couldn’t sleep,” Bellamy replied as he reached the middle of the field. “Just restless I guess.

Murphy didn’t say anything, just nodded and kept looking up at the sky, eyes glassy, and far away like Raven had said.

“You care if I sit?” Bellamy asked. His voice was steady and didn’t betray how anxious he actually felt. He didn’t really know how to talk to Murphy anymore, didn’t know what was okay to say or how to act. Murphy shrugged. 

“Whatever the hell you want, right?” 

Bellamy winced inwardly. He didn’t know why Murphy would bring that phrase up or if he was trying to be an ass, but it just made everything more awkward. He sat down anyway and drew his knees up to his chest, then started picking at a piece of grass near his feet. After a few minutes of heavy silence, he glanced over at Murphy. His eyes were closed, but Bellamy could tell he wasn’t asleep. 

“I’m sorry for what happened to Emori. I don’t know if I’ve said that yet,” he finally said into the quiet, his voice lilting off at the end because he didn’t know if it was okay. Murphy didn’t open his eyes, but his long eyelashes fluttered against his cheeks, and the line of his mouth was tight. 

“It wasn’t your fault,” he said with a note of finality to it. Bellamy knew he didn’t really want to talk about it anymore, but he couldn’t help pushing it a little. Murphy always made him want to push it for some reason. He also didn’t think he could bear the awkward silence again, and he didn’t think he could sleep thinking of Murphy just lying there on the ground being sad.

“I know, but I wish it hadn’t happened. If you ever need to-“

Murphy opened his eyes and cut him off so quick it made Bellamy’s head spin. “I don’t need to talk about it. I don’t wanna talk about it. It happened. It’s done. I just wanna lay here. In peace.”

Bellamy backed off then. He didn’t need to be told twice. He felt like a dog who’d just been scolded with his tail between his legs. It made his stomach churn a little to think about how hard it had become to talk to the person who was once his best friend. And he really couldn’t help blaming himself. If he’d been there for him and trusted him, then maybe things would’ve been different. Bellamy closed his eyes for a second, then pushed himself back up off the ground. “Night, Murphy.”

He waited for a response even though he knew he wouldn’t get one. Murphy just closed his eyes again and Bellamy watched his thin frame relax, little bits of tension disappearing from the hard lines of his shoulders. He’d be lying if he said it didn’t hurt that him leaving was what made Murphy relax. He walked quickly back through the synthetic grass and to the entrance to the solar fields. He didn’t think he had the energy to walk around anymore, so he slumped back to his apartment and fell into bed.

 


	4. despite all that we've become

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a little longer. Hope you like it. :)
> 
> Also, can we talk about San Diego comic con where Richard Harmon said if he had to choose how Murphy died, he'd have Bellamy kill him?! I just saw the interview so I'm late on that news, but I would throw my television out the window.
> 
> Anyways, here hahaha.

John Murphy liked to pretend he wasn’t a sentimental guy. He used sarcasm and indifference as armor to keep the world out. There were a few times it hadn’t worked, a few people who had found cracks in the armor, for better or for worse. But after Emori died he made a promise to himself to never let that happen again. That’s why he was so pissed off that he couldn’t stop thinking about the night before in the solar fields.

Bellamy had already been important to him once. And he’d already betrayed him. In Murphy’s mind he just needed to fuck off quite honestly. He didn’t need him. Didn’t need anyone really. But it was really lonely on a spaceship occupied by six people. And he couldn’t help thinking that maybe it’d be nice to talk about everything, to let the thoughts that were constantly pinging around his head out and maybe make some sense of them. Or at least find some closure. 

He fought himself on it all day. He considered knocking on Bellamy’s door more than once, and apologizing for shutting him out. But then he laughed at himself and paced up and down the hallways dragging his knuckles along the walls. By the time the next night rolled around, he was on his back in the fields again, still making himself crazy, turning thoughts of Bellamy over in his mind. He remembered how his stomach had dropped the second Bellamy kicked the crate out from under his feet, just before the noose tightened around his neck. He remembered how he never thought he would have to worry about actually dying because there was no way Bellamy would believe he had killed Wells Jaha. And the sickness he felt when he realized he was wrong about that had stayed with him, even after he’d gotten revenge. 

But then he’d thought of his old friend. They had both lost their fathers when they were young and neither one of them had grown up with any money. They figured out ways to scam ration points together and laughed at their teachers and caused as much trouble as they could without fully crossing the line. And he was the only one who knew about Octavia. Bellamy had once trusted him with that monumental secret. And he’d trusted Bellamy enough to show him the bruises and scars that his mom had given him. He’d even cried in front of him. When he got confined, Bellamy found a way to visit him on guard duty, just to tell him he’d be okay, and that he wouldn’t be executed. A small smile played across Murphy’s face remembering how Bellamy had snuck him an extra cupcake once and passed it through the small food slot in his cell. 

His thoughts were interrupted by someone shuffling through the grass behind him. He knew who it was before he even said anything and he huffed out a dry laugh at how it seemed like his thoughts somehow summoned Bellamy. 

“Hi Bellamy,” he said flatly without sitting up or turning around. 

“Hi,” Bellamy replied tentatively, his steps slowing as he got close to where Murphy was laying. “Listen, I just-“

“I’m sorry. I was an asshole the other night,” Murphy interrupted before Bellamy could say whatever he’d planned to say. “I need to work on that. Not being an asshole, I mean.”

Bellamy chuckled. “Might take a while. You’ve always been an asshole.”

“Fuck you, Bellamy,” Murphy said back, but smiled anyway and lifted his head a little to look up at his old friend. “You can hang out if you want. This is the best view on the ship. Don’t expect me to talk a lot though.”

The laugh from a moment ago lingered in Bellamy’s eyes and he smiled a little as he sat down next to Murphy in the grass. He was about a foot away, careful and cautious, and Murphy tried to ignore the slight disappointment deep in the pit of his stomach. He tried not to compare it to how they used to be, arms pressed up against each other and legs slung lazily over each other when they watched old movies in Murphy’s room when they were younger. Bellamy took his jacket off and bunched it up to use as a pillow then laid back and looked up. He couldn’t help the stunned exhale that came out when he took in the full view of the stars above them. He’d forgotten what they looked like this close. 

“Nice, right?” Murphy said lazily, his eyes already closed again. 

“So nice,” Bellamy answered a little breathlessly, then kicked himself for sounding like that, but if Murphy noticed he didn't say anything. "Do you sleep out here every night?" Bellamy asked as they lay on their backs gazing up at the sky. 

"Mostly. When the lights start to come on I go back to my room." 

Bellamy wanted to ask a million questions but he didn't feel like he should. "Yeah I never see you around,” was all he said.

"I just don't really have anything to say to anyone."

There was a hint of vulnerability in Murphy's voice and Bellamy wanted to latch onto it. He hadn't heard it in so long. Murphy was always angry and guarded now. "I'm not gonna lie. I don't know what I should say and what I shouldn't," he finally decided on. 

"Bellamy, we've said it all. You said I deserved to die once. Nothing you say now can offend me." Murphy said it sarcastically, but Bellamy knew him and he knew that was a tactic he used to guard his true feelings. 

Bellamy felt sick. He rubbed his face with one of his hands and turned his head to look at Murphy. "I was stupid, okay? You didn't deserve to die. I should've never said that. I should've never said a lot of things."

Murphy snorted. "Can we just talk about something else?"

Bellamy looked back up at the stars and sighed. "Yeah."

"Does Raven think we're ever going to get back down there?" Murphy asked. 

"She thinks she can find a way. With the stuff we have on the ship, she thinks she can make the rocket we used to get up here into a drop ship for us to get back," Bellamy explained. 

"Yay," Murphy deadpanned. 

"You like it better up here?" Bellamy asked, raising his eyebrows. 

"I don't like it anywhere," Murphy replied, but then he continued, "but no. I like it better there. I miss the rain. And the space to walk around. And the sounds. All you can hear up here is that mechanical hum. It's too quiet and cold."

"I miss the rain too. And the sun as a matter of fact. And the woods, that was the best part. There was nothing like walking through the woods alone, just exploring," Bellamy agreed, his voice going dreamy and far away. 

Murphy was quiet for a second and then he turned his head to look at Bellamy. "Do you miss Clarke?" he asked quietly. 

Bellamy took a deep breath and sighed. "Yeah. I do."

Murphy looked back up at the sky. "Maybe she made it,” he said, no hint of sarcasm in his voice.

Bellamy laughed. "If anyone could survive a nuclear wave of death I guess it'd be her."

Murphy smiled sideways. "She was annoying, but she was pretty bad ass."

"Yeah she was," Bellamy agreed. He never talked about her, and it felt weird to talk about her in past tense. It didn't feel right.

Murphy started moving one of his feet back and forth and said, "I always thought you two would end up together. The king and queen, you know?" 

Bellamy could taste bile in the back of his throat because thinking about all his regrets from the ground had a tendency to make him feel sick. "Yeah, I thought that too once. But it was never the right time. And who knows if she even felt that way about me? I mean, there was Finn and then Lexa. Then Niylah...and then we left."

Murphy didn't say anything, but he stopped moving his foot. He was completely still. "Were you in love with her?" he finally asked, in a quiet voice. 

Bellamy’s throat felt a little tight at that. He hesitated, because he didn’t really want to talk about it, but he decided to be honest. ”I don't know. I never really had time to figure it out. Too much else to worry about." 

“Mm,” Murphy responded quietly. They kept looking up at the sky in silence after that for what seemed like ten minutes, but it couldn’t have been. Finally Murphy broke the silence. “Remember when we stole an entire bottle of my mom’s moonshine and she didn’t even notice?”

He looked over at Bellamy and saw a warm smile forming on his face. “Yeah, she had enough to not realize when one went missing. We got so fucking wasted that night. I was sick for two days after that.”

Murphy laughed.  “I think that night was the most drunk I've ever been."

"Me too, but surprisingly I still remember all of it," Bellamy laughed too. 

"Yeah didn't we watch all the Star Wars movies or something?"

"The three original ones, yeah. But you fell asleep during the third one and you were snoring so loud I kept waking you up to tell you to shut up," Bellamy answered fondly. He didn't add the fact that Murphy had been sleeping on his shoulder or that they'd been squeezed into Murphy's too-small twin sized bed with their legs draped over each other. They'd always been comfortable being close. It was natural for them. That's why the foot or so between them in the grass felt like it was filled with the regrets and awkward silences and anger and shitty memories from the past two years. 

"We were such little shits," Murphy sighed with a smile. 

"Were? We still are," Bellamy grinned and Murphy laughed. They lay there for another two hours, reminiscing and talking about what Earth would be like once they got back, what they'd have to build and where they'd go, and how they hoped wherever they settled would be for good this time. 

Finally the circadian lights started to come back on, glowing softly to emulate the beginning of a sunrise. Murphy sat up and stretched to one side with a big yawn. His eyes were tired and droopy. 

"Well that means bedtime for me," he said as he started to stand up. Bellamy was sitting up now and looked up at him. It was the first time he'd _really_ seen him for a while. His hair was longer and messy, and he had scruff on his chin. His face was as pale as ever and thinner than before, his cheek bones more prominent and dark circles under his eyes. The dark green sweater he wore hung loose on his small frame. He looked small in general, more than Bellamy could remember. He didn't comment on any of it though. 

"You're like a vampire now Murphy. You hate the light," he said with a small smile. 

Murphy snorted. "Yeah I guess that's me." He held his hand out and pulled Bellamy up and they walked toward the entrance to the solar fields. When they reached the door they had to go in opposite directions to their rooms. "Night," Murphy said and turned to start walking down the hall. 

"Night, Murphy," Bellamy said to his back, and he smiled because Murphy couldn't see it. It felt good to talk to him again, even if it was just a few hours. It made one of the broken pieces in his chest feel a little less cracked. He walked back to his room and fell into bed, but this time he fell asleep kind of happy.


	5. the pain reminds us that we're still alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really having fun exploring who Bellamy might be as a person besides just the guy that always has to save everyone and give orders. Hope you guys like this.

Bellamy woke up in the evening and rolled over in his bed. He blinked into the darkness a few times and checked the clock on his nightstand. 6:00pm. He sighed and stretched a little. His stomach felt completely empty, and he wasn’t surprised considering the last time he’d eaten was almost 24 hours ago. He quickly thought of Murphy and how skinny and tired he’d looked standing above him in the fields that morning.  He debated about how weird it would or wouldn’t be to knock on his door and invite him to eat dinner in the little common room the rest of them usually congregated in every night. He laid there for a few minutes, thinking about it and finally he decided he didn’t really care how weird or not weird it was, he was gonna do it anyway. 

He got up and pulled on a black henley and some of his old black guard pants and messed with his hair a little bit in the small dusty mirror that hung too high up on the wall. He left his little apartment and made his way down the lonely hallways to Murphy’s door. He hesitated for a second, then knocked a few times.

For a minute, there was no answer, and he was about to turn around and leave when the lockpol- clicked and the door started to open.  A tired looking Murphy squinted into the light. “Hey….” he greeted half-heartedly, sounding confused and tired.

Bellamy’s stomach churned a little, but he ignored it. “Hey, just thought I’d ask if you wanted to come to dinner tonight?”

Murphy smirked and ran his hand through his messy hair. “You askin' me on a date, Blake?” Bellamy inwardly kicked himself at the way he’d phrased that invitation. He rolled his eyes.

“You wish Murphy. I just thought maybe you’d want to make an appearance. Talk to everyone? Eat something?” 

Murphy sighed, but a smile still lingered on his face. “Food sounds good, I guess. Hold on a second.” He closed the door and Bellamy stood in the hall awkwardly, shifting back and forth on his feet with his hands in his pockets. Murphy emerged a couple minutes later in a grey long sleeve t-shirt and tight black pants, and his signature old combat boots echoed down the empty hallway when he stepped out of his dark apartment and locked the door.

“Should we go?” Bellamy asked awkwardly. 

“Lead the way,” Murphy responded and motioned for Bellamy to start walking. As they made their way down the hall, Murphy ran his fingers over the cold metal walls and kept a pace that left him just behind Bellamy, a shadow in his peripheral vision. “So you guys have shit to eat that’s not algae or protein packets?” he asked as they turned the corner into another hallway.

“Yeah. Harper’s been growing a few vegetables. And we have wine,” Bellamy smiled over his shoulder. Murphy looked pretty pleased about that. They reached the door to the little sitting room and Bellamy held it open for Murphy. He stepped inside a little hesitantly, and Bellamy followed behind him. Everyone else was already sitting down on the couches in the middle of the room and Bellamy watched their faces as each of them realized who he’d brought to dinner with him. Everyone looked a little shocked at first, like they’d seen a ghost, and Bellamy had the urge to grab Murphy and pull him down the hall and away to protect him from getting his feelings hurt. But Raven’s surprised expression was quickly replaced with a knowing (if not confusing) look at Bellamy and a warm smile at Murphy. 

“Hey Murphy, long time no see,” she grinned. “Sit down, we’re just about to eat. You look like you could use it.”

Bellamy was grateful for her easy acceptance of Murphy and the way she didn’t treat him like some fragile piece of glass, but like a normal person. He knew Murphy probably appreciated that. He watched Murphy make his way to the couch and sit down next to Raven, and he followed and sat on Murphy’s other side.

“What’s for dinner?” Murphy asked, trying to sound normal, like it wasn’t out of the ordinary for him to be in the room, or even in the light for that matter. 

"We've got zucchini spaghetti with actual sauce and red wine," Harper said proudly and Raven smirked at her. 

"Holy shit. I've been missing out apparently," Murphy mused. Bellamy smiled at the ease in Murphy's voice, and the way he could see the tension slowly leaving his jaw and melting from his shoulders. Monty passed plates around and they all ate and made small talk. Nobody mentioned Murphy's absence or asked him how he was doing without Emori. They treated him mostly the same as before, but maybe a little nicer now. 

Bellamy knew he probably noticed that but maybe it was a good thing. In Bellamy's mind, he deserved some kindness. After everything.

 

* * *

 

After dinner that night, Bellamy walked Murphy back to his place without meaning to. They were both a little wine buzzed and both laughing at old stories and good-naturedly making fun of Monty a little bit. 

When they got to Murphy's door, they stopped and Bellamy leaned against the wall while Murphy moved to fish the key out of his pocket. 

"Well, this is me," he said sarcastically, like they were in some old movie and Bellamy was walking him home to keep him safe. 

"No solar fields tonight?" Bellamy asked, raising an eyebrow. 

The lock clicked open. "In a little bit. Gotta piss first."

Bellamy smiled softly. The silence that hung in the air for a second felt like a lost invitation, but Bellamy wasn't gonna be the one who mentioned it. 

"Thanks for making me go to dinner. It was good," Murphy mumbled, and before Bellamy could answer, he'd disappeared like a ghost into the dark of the apartment, and the door shut quickly behind him. 

 

* * *

 

If Bellamy's mind was a color, on the ground it would've been red. Always moving, always ready for a fight, bright and loud and not really focused on anything but the primitive goal of staying alive. 

It was like being in space had turned off the big, red switch and now it was quiet. It was fuzzier. His first instinct wasn't to jump. His emotions were starting to resurface. He couldn't push the guilt down as well as he did on the ground, and there wasn't enough to distract him from old memories. His mind in space was sepia, bent corners, and dusty with a few bright colors fighting through. 

The calendar on the wall and the black marker on the floor in his tiny room didn't really seem appealing that night, so Bellamy let his feet take him to a place his mind had tried to stop him from going since they made it back on the ship. 

He walked the path that was still familiar to him after all this time and ended up in front of the sliding glass doors to the Ark's library. Almost every book on the ship was kept here, and he knew the shelves well. He used to sneak in when he was younger and wrap the books in a special fabric and steal them away for a few days to read to Octavia when she was locked under the floor and in the closet. You had to be eighteen to check out books without your parents, because they were considered rare and precious, relics full of knowledge and stories collected from the old days on Earth. And once things got tougher his mom never had time to take him so he used the fabric to bypass the sensors and take the books for himself. 

The memory of reading to Octavia and the way he remembered the look of wonder on her face when he glanced up every once in a while physically hurt him. He had known being in the library would just make it worse, but it was one of those masochistic nights where he wanted to be sad. 

The glass door didn't slide open automatically like it used to. This side of the GoSci ring was only on backup power, to conserve energy, since there were only six of them on a part of the Ark meant for a few hundred. Bellamy wrapped his fingers around the cold metal frame and pulled, and it slid open easily. He half expected the old grumpy librarian to be sitting in her normal seat at the desk just inside the door, but of course it was empty. An eerie, cold fluorescent back up light lit every third aisle, and the tall shelves cast shadows on the floor. Bellamy felt a chill run down his spine as he surveyed his old stomping ground. It was so empty, but still somehow the same. His footsteps were loud as he made his way across the quiet room to the first shelf. The books were still neatly lined up, unmoved since everyone habandoned ship a couple years before. There was a thick layer of dust covering the shelf and the spines, like some kind of burial shroud. Bellamy ran his open hand over the top row, kicking up a cloud of dust as he went. The titles looked clearer and he read each one, looking for familiar names. 

He landed on an old Greek Mythology book and instantly missed Octavia with an intensity he hadn't felt yet. He wished he could talk to her. He wondered if she was alive. He wanted to believe she was. He told himself that they had that thing that some siblings have where they can just feel each other's emotions from far away. He told himself he hadn't had some crazy twist of pain signaling she was dead, so she wasn't. He continued walking the aisles, up and down for an hour at least, picking a couple books to bring back to his room with him. The last two aisles in the library were full of old dvds, and he'd never bothered much with trying to take them because his family didn't have a television in their apartment. 

He figured because he had time to kill and no one looking over his shoulder anymore he'd look through them anyway. 

He walked down the row, looking at the fading, dusty titles. _Shanghai Noon, Titanic, Planes Trains and Automobiles, The Notebook_. He had no idea what a lot of these were. Then he saw a familiar font at the end of the row on the second shelf from the ground. _Star Wars_. He smiled at the hazy memory the bold white letters brought to the front of his brain. He hesitated, then reached out and grabbed the case, adding it to the little stack of books he was already carrying. He knew why he did it. He wanted to see if Murphy would watch it with him. He rolled his eyes at himself and carried the stack back towards the sliding glass door. He made his way through the hallways back to his apartment and after taking a shower and drawing an x through the date on the calendar, he cuddled up in bed and fell asleep reading about Perseus saving Andromeda from a sea monster. 

 


	6. give me a chance and i'll try to forgive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rewrote this chapter a couple times and I still don't think I did this conversation justice, but hopefully you'll like it enough to keep reading. I love you guys.

It was 6:15 the next day and Murphy stood outside the door to the common room with clenched fists, digging his fingernails into his calloused palms. The back of his neck was hot and his stomach was churning as he listened to the other five inhabitants of The Ark talking and laughing inside. He’d been debating with himself for the past two hours about whether he’d come to dinner again. He didn’t really look forward to more looks from everyone. He knew they didn’t mind if he was there, but he didn’t want them to act like he was some rare mythical creature that they were shocked to see in person. He didn’t like being the center of attention. He never had.

He inhaled sharply and let the air out slowly, closing his eyes for a second and praying to whoever was listening to give him some kind of confidence. He opened his eyes and shoved the door open, and everyone looked up just like he expected they would. The room got quiet, and he could feel panic creeping in and tightening his throat. 

And then Bellamy caught his eye and smiled reassuringly. He could feel his muscles loosening a little and the welcome relief that smile gave him. “Hey Murphy,” Bellamy greeted him and Raven was smiling and scooting over to make room for him. 

“Knew you’d be back. This bitch can cook,” Raven grinned, motioning to Harper.

“Thanks, I think,” Harper laughed and opened the steaming pot sitting in the middle of the table. They had vegetable stew and it filled Murphy with almost as much warmth as hearing everyone’s voices did. Being alone in his room and in the fields for four months was lonely. Sometimes it got so silent that he could hear his ears ringing. Sometimes he’d convinced himself that he probably didn’t have a voice anymore, because he hadn’t talked to anyone in so long.

He’d caught himself smiling more in the last week than he had since they left the ground. His insides were still broken, but something was healing. He could feel it. He tried to stop himself from crediting Bellamy for any of that, but he knew he never would’ve come to dinner, let alone left his apartment before 10pm if it wasn’t for Bellamy.

He caught Bellamy looking at him three times during dinner, and each time he’d just stare back until Bellamy turned away, ears red and biting the inside of his top lip. 

After everyone was finished and they all had a second glass of wine, they started to filter out of the room. Harper was buzzed and giggling as she pulled a blushing Monty towards the door by the arm, whispering something in his ear that everyone else could definitely still hear.  Raven left soon after to pick up where she left off on her research, and Echo followed, not really saying anything.

Murphy stood up and stretched. “Should we clean up?” he asked as Bellamy stood up too. 

“We can get it tomorrow,” Bellamy sighed. “I’m too full to move that much.”

They left the room and talked as they walked down the hall, but at the fork where they’d normally go separate ways, Bellamy didn’t say goodbye, just turned the opposite way he needed to go and kept their conversation going.

"Are you walking me home again?" Murphy teased lightly. "Because I think I'm safe."

Bellamy looked a little embarrassed, and he didn't have a quick comeback for once. "Yeah, I know, I just got caught up in the conversation."

Murphy smiled. "It's okay, me too.” He put his hands in his pockets and cleared his throat. He didn’t want to be alone that night, and he had less than two minutes of walking before they reached his door and Bellamy would say goodnight and go back to his own little living quarters. Murphy had to think of somehting. “Um, so there's a meteor shower that's supposed to happen tonight. You like that kind of shit, right? Do you wanna hang out in the solar fields?"

Bellamy smiled genuinely and nodded. "Yeah, sure. Let me go change and I'll meet you there."

Murphy had totally lied. There was no meteor shower. At least he didn't _think_ so. If there was it was a _HUGE_ coincidence. He didn’t even know how'd they'd find out about one without the equipment to predict it. He just couldn't let go of his pride enough to ask Bellamy to hang out with him because he wanted to. And maybe he was scared of the answer.

* * *

 

Twenty minutes later Murphy was lying on his back in his usual spot in the solar fields. He looked calm enough on the outside. But on the inside he felt like throwing up. He wondered when he'd started caring about Bellamy so much, and then he realized the answer to that was always. That was one of the huge problems in his life. He sighed frustratedly at himself and as if on cue, he heard footsteps approaching across the grass. 

He sat up slowly and turned to face Bellamy. He was wearing a sweater that was so loose it was practically slipping off one of his shoulders, and sweatpants that he must've found somewhere on the ship. Murphy stared at the warm skin of his toned shoulder for a second too long and then focused his gaze on Bellamy's smile instead. "Hey. I brought a blanket so we don't have lay on this plastic excuse for grass all night," he said, and held up a ratty, old fleece blanket that he'd had tucked under his arm. 

“Aw, thanks Blake," Murphy replied and waited for Bellamy to shake out the blanket and spread it on the ground before scooting over onto it. "Gotta admit this feels a lot nicer on my ass," he smirked. 

Bellamy chuckled and sat down next to him. "What time's this meteor shower supposed to happen?" he asked. Murphy's stomach churned and he could feel the back of his neck get hot. 

"Not sure actually. Guess we'll just have to watch for it." He laid back in the grass and internally kicked himself because this lie was paper thin. 

Bellamy laid down next to him anyway, with about a foot between them like the last time he'd been there. "So I know you don't like to talk about things, but how're you doing? Are things okay?" Bellamy asked like he'd been thinking about it for days. 

Murphy continued to look up at the sky. “No. But...I'm better than I was four months ago. I don't think any of us are really okay after everything. We've all lost people."

Bellamy shifted next to him and stayed quiet for a minute, thinking about it. "Yeah, we have. I just know how much she meant to you."

Murphy let the ghost of a smile play across his face. "You wanna know something stupid?" Bellamy nodded even though Murphy wasn't looking at him. 

"Sometimes I pretend she just turned into a star. Like she's one of them.” He gestured to the glass dome above them. “And she can't talk to me anymore, but I can talk to her."

Bellamy nudged Murphy's arm comfortingly. He didn't say anything, but his eyes were warm and full of understanding when Murphy looked over at him. "I know it's fucking stupid, I've never said it out loud before."

"It's not stupid. I get that. I don't know if she's alive or not but I talk to Octavia too," Bellamy said quietly. 

Murphy didn’t answer, but he nodded like he understood. He knew how much Bellamy's sister meant to him. He'd lived most of his life for her. They laid there for a few minutes, just looking up at the sky, not talking but it was comfortable. 

Bellamy shifted again and said, "You ever feel like there's too much fucking time to think up here?"

Murphy huffed out a laugh and said, " _YEAH_ ," emphatically. "Why, what are you thinking about?"

"It's just..." Bellamy scrubbed his hand over his face. "Do you ever feel guilty for the stuff we did on Earth?"

Murphy sighed. "Honestly? There's only one thing I did that I still feel guilty about. And it's Raven's leg. I wish I could take that one back.”

Bellamy looked surprised. "Really?" 

"Yeah. I think about that all the time. Everything else I feel guilty for I did before we went to the ground."

”Does she know that?" Bellamy asked. 

"Yeah, she knows. I told her. But I still feel bad," Murphy answered. "What do you feel guilty about?"

Bellamy laughed, but there was no humor in it. "Everything. I've killed so many people. I just...I never thought I could do those things before we left for the ground. I never wanted to.  The worst, most fucked up part is that it got easier after a while. To do it. I didn't have to think about it." Bellamy said the last part quietly like he'd never admitted it out loud before. 

Murphy looked at him and met his eyes. "You were just trying to survive. Everybody was relying on you. You did what you had to do." 

"I shot Jaha before I even got on the dropship," he replied. 

"Well we all wanted to. You just got there first," Murphy smirked.

Bellamy closed his eyes for a few seconds and sighed, then opened them again. Murphy was still looking at him. "Murphy. Even after all that, you wanna know what I feel most guilty about?" Murphy's breath caught in his throat. He felt like he knew the answer, but he didn’t want to expect anything. He had learned not to expect anything from anyone anymore. 

A surge of nervousness traveled through his stomach and limbs and he barely breathed, “What?”

Bellamy's voice cracked over the words when he answered. ”Kicking that crate."

Murphy couldn't breathe. He didn't want to. He felt so many different things. Anger, pain, anxiousness, maybe a flicker of closure. He didn't know what to say, or if he could even say anything. 

"I'm sorry. I never really said sorry. But I'm so sorry. Every fucking day. You were my best friend. I should've believed you." Bellamy said earnestly. He was starting at Murphy, waiting for him to respond. 

He took a deep breath to try to calm himself down. “Yeah, you should have. But I forgive you. I already did a while ago.” He’d forgiven him the night he came in his room to try to talk to him after Emori died.

Bellamy swallowed thickly. "I was an idiot. I don't know why I did it. I still don't."

"They were all yelling. They all wanted it. Peer pressure." Murphy said it in a monotone, trying to keep any sort of emotion out of his voice. He didn't know why the hell he was trying to make Bellamy feel better. 

"I wish I could take it back," Bellamy said. He still hadn't stopped looking at Murphy even though Murphy was looking down now, and it was making him nervous. 

Bellamy was saying everything he'd wanted to hear for so long, and it was making him feel kind of sick. He didn’t know how to handle it. ”I know you wouldn't do it now," Murphy said softly. 

Bellamy's eyes were glassy. "No I wouldn't. I wouldn't," he said with a sureness in his voice that made Murphy's heart beat faster. 

He was feeling like he couldn't take that much emotion at once, so he tried to brush it off. "I tried to hang you too, so, you know." He forced himself to laugh, but Bellamy wasn’t playing into it.

”Murphy you don't have to act like I wasn't terrible. I know what I did. And then I banished you. And I tried to kill you again. You don't have to pretend it's okay."

Murphy propped himself up on his elbow, and he was struggling not to get pissed now. "Shut up. I'm used to being people's punching bag. It's okay," He stopped for a second and tried to slow his breathing then. "I want it to be."

Bellamy just stared back at him, lips slightly parted and eyes locked on his. Murphy could see the genuine guilt in them, and his chest felt like it was ripping in half. He didn't know whether to scream or run away or to grab Bellamy and just hold onto him.  

"Okay," Bellamy breathed. 

"Okay," Murphy repeated, and laid back down. 

Bellamy was still looking at him. 

"You better look up or we might miss this meteor shower," Murphy said, his tone suddenly light and almost joking again. He couldn't talk about all this shit anymore. 

Bellamy turned his head to look up at the sky. "Okay, Murph." 

They were quiet for a while but eventually they talked again. They talked about the first time Murphy met Octavia and when they used to read books to her in different voices, or make her laugh when they reenacted scenes in the movies they managed to see. And they talked about Jasper and Monty and all the weed they'd grown over the years on the ship, and about how crazy it would be if Raven and Echo started hooking up. Finally they were quiet again. The circadian lights had started to flicker on and Bellamy smiled when he saw them light up. "Guess the meteor shower didn't come through."

Murphy made a surprised face, trying to look like he had no idea why. "Yeah. Damn."

"Murphy I know it wasn't real. There's no way you'd know there was gonna be a meteor shower in the first place," Bellamy said, but he was still smiling softly.  Murphy looked embarrassed, but he smiled back sheepishly anyway. "Maybe, but there could've been."

"If you wanna hang out you can just ask," Bellamy grinned. 

Murphy sat up, ready to get up and go back to his room and he held his hand out to help Bellamy up again. Once they were both standing he gave Bellamy a crooked little smile and said, "Okay. Tomorrow night then?"

Bellamy chuckled. "Yeah. I'll be here.”

They walked through the field to the door and said goodnight before they went their separate ways. Murphy was emotionally exhausted when he got back to his apartment. He didn’t bother turning on any lights, he just made his way to his room and fell into bed with his boots still on. He fell asleep on top of the covers and slept longer and better than he had in years.

 


	7. it's been awhile, but i still feel the same

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> this is a long one. i hope you like it. warning for an anxiety attack, in case that's something you don't want to read about at the moment. that part isn't super detailed though. 
> 
> love you guys!

Murphy might have had the best sleep he’d had in a while, but for Bellamy it wasn't as peaceful. When he got back to his apartment, he took his shirt and pants off and collapsed into bed in his boxers. His body was exhausted, and he fell asleep fast, but his mind wouldn't shut off, and he fell into a really realistic dream.

In it, he and Murphy were five years younger, seventeen and fourteen, and they were sitting on Murphy's bed in his room, watching some movie on his TV. Murphy was nervous about taking a girl to the unity day dance the next night and even though he wasn't talking he was shaking his foot back and forth at the end of the bed. Bellamy laughed and kicked his foot, told him to stop it. 

"Okay dick," he said, but stopped anyway.  Bellamy draped one leg over Murphy's and tapped the back of his hand with his own. "You nervous because you've never kissed anyone before?"

Murphy rolled his eyes. "No."

Bellamy laughed a little, he couldn't help it. Murphy shoved into his arm with his shoulder. "Shut the fuck up Bellamy. Not all of us are whores like you." Bellamy laughed even harder at that, and eventually Murphy smiled in spite himself. 

Once Bellamy stopped laughing, he shifted so he was facing Murphy instead of the television. Murphy looked at him with a confused expression on his face. "What?"

"I could teach you," Bellamy said quietly, with a smile in his eyes but his face was serious. 

"Teach me what?" Murphy said dumbly. On some level he knew but he couldn't say it. 

Bellamy blinked slowly and looked down at Murphy’s hands, then back up. ”How to kiss."

Murphy inhaled sharply through his mouth and he couldn't meet Bellamy's eyes anymore. When he didn't answer for a second, Bellamy got nervous and thought about how to turn this into a joke, but before he could say anything Murphy looked right at him and said, "Okay."

Bellamy didn't need any more affirmation than that. He put one hand on the side of Murphy's neck, guiding him forward so their faces were close. "You just have to let it happen naturally. Feel what the other person is giving you and give them the same thing back. Don't think too much.” His voice was gravelly and breathier than normal. He moved his hands to the sides of Murphy's face and cupped his jaw gently. He could feel Murphy's pulse racing under his ring finger. Murphy was barely breathing, tense and holding his breath but he wasn't running away. Bellamy's lips barely brushed his and then suddenly Murphy's body was being pulled up and away from him and the light on the tv went a sickly yellow. 

Bellamy looked up in shock and saw Murphy, nineteen again and hanging from the ceiling with a noose around his neck, eyes wide in fear and grasping at the rope gasping for air and wheezing, "Please, Bellamy, please!" There was a desperation and panic in his eyes that Bellamy could never unsee. The skin under Murphy’s eyes blackened and his face started to bruise and bleed. Bellamy looked down at his hands and saw that his knuckles were bloody and scraped. He looked back up at Murphy just in time to hear him wheeze Bellamy's name one more time before he woke up in his bed gasping for breath, the sheets soaked with sweat. 

Bellamy sat up and sucked in a few deep breaths. He felt disoriented. The dream seemed so real. He grabbed one of his fists with his other hand to feel his knuckles and make sure they were clean. For a second he considered going to Raven's apartment to tell her about it, but he didn't want to seem like a scared little kid, so he turned the light on and focused on slowing his heart rate instead. 

Eventually, after he’d focused on breathing in and out and loosened his tight grip on the sheets a little bit, he picked up one of the books he’d taken from the library off the floor and read for a few hours until he fell asleep with the book open on his chest.

* * *

Despite his awful dream, Bellamy showed up at the solar fields the next night, just like he said he would. Murphy had begun to get him into the same messed up sleeping schedule he had, but Bellamy couldn’t be bothered to care that much because he was slowly finding he was fine staying up all night until he could barely keep his eyes open if it meant spending time with Murphy. Not that he’d ever say that out loud.

For the next week, they spent every night after dinner in the fields, talking and laughing, or looking up at the sky not having to say anything at all. Bellamy found himself beginning to notice the things about Murphy that hadn’t changed since they were young. The way he’d draw his knees up to his chest and wrap his arms around them when he started to get tired, and how he rolled his eyes and smiled when he was embarrassed. And the way he said Bellamy’s name. He’d forgotten these things, but each night, more memories he had of Murphy came back. 

He didn’t know if anyone else on the ship had noticed how much time he and Murphy had been spending together, but he suspected that at least Raven did when she raised her eyebrows at him at dinner one night. She’d caught him staring at Murphy while he and Monty were laughing and talking about something dumb. He quickly looked away and acted like he hadn’t noticed. 

He wouldn’t have even known how to explain it to her if he wanted to. He didn’t know what he felt for Murphy. He used to care about him a lot. And then for a while he hated him, so much that he’d been completely evil to him. That dissipated after a while and was replaced with guilt. The guilt was still there, and it was strong, but he cared again too. And then there were all these other emotions he had no idea how to sift through, or how to handle. He stared at the unopened wine bottle on one of the shelves above Harper’s head and thought to himself that he needed a fucking drink.

* * *

Murphy and Bellamy had left dinner together. It’d become their routine. But when they got to the fork that went left to the solar fields, Bellamy stopped. “I’ll be there in ten minutes. I have to go get something, okay?”

Murphy was curious, but his specialty was feigning indifference so he nodded and said okay, then continued to the left as Bellamy went right. He got to the fields and sat down in the grass, leaning back on his elbows with his knees bent and his boots flat on the ground. He closed his eyes for a minute and imagined that he was on earth again, sitting on the ground in the woods. He tried to remember the earthy smell of dirt and leaves, and what the sun felt like on his face. His breathing started to slow and he felt like he could’ve fallen asleep in that moment if Bellamy hadn’t shown up and started walking across the grass. Murphy turned his body halfway around and said hey. 

"Hello," Bellamy said in a sing song voice, looking a little more smiley than normal. 

Murphy wrinkled his nose and huffed out a laugh. "Why are you so cheery?"

Bellamy sat down in the grass next to him and crossed his legs. "Because I brought a present." He'd been wearing a small, ratty backpack over his shoulders and he leaned forward and wrestled it off awkwardly. Murphy watched him curiously, kind of amused at how fucking goofy he was being. Once it was in his lap, Bellamy unzipped the backpack and pulled out a glass bottle full of clear liquid. "Is that what I think it is?" Murphy smirked, recognition taking over his features. 

"Taste it and find out," Bellamy smiled mischievously, handing the bottle over to Murphy. It sloshed as he turned it in his hands. He unscrewed the little metal cap on top of the bottle and smelled it. He blinked a couple times and widened his eyes, making Bellamy chuckle.

"Yep. Definitely moonshine."

Bellamy laughed. "Drink it! Get on my level Murphy."

Murphy shook his head, smiling. "I knew you were drunk or something. You're all....giggly. And red."

"I don't fucking giggle," Bellamy said indignantly, but still with a goofy smile. "And I'm not drunk. Just buzzed. I had to try it out and make sure it was safe to drink!"

Murphy burst out laughing. He thought drunk, earnest Bellamy was kind of adorable. "Alright whatever you say. As long as it's safe, then," Murphy smiled and raised the bottle to Bellamy in a mock cheers before bringing it to his lips and taking a sip. He sputtered and coughed as the moonshine fought its way down his throat, then wiped his mouth with the back of his sleeve and made a face. Bellamy was definitely laughing again. 

"I haven't had anything but wine in a while! That tastes like it's been in that bottle for two hundred years!" Murphy defended himself but he was smiling anyway because Bellamy was still laughing. "Are you sure that's not gasoline?" Murphy asked, chuckling at Bellamy's red face. 

"50/50 chance," Bellamy said as he caught his breath. He took the bottle back from Murphy and took a big swig. 

"Where'd you find this?" Murphy asked when Bellamy passed the bottle back. 

"Someone's desk, in one of the old offices. I scavenge a lot when I'm bored," he replied, leaning back on his hands and tilting his head to the side. 

"When do you sleep?" Murphy asked, taking a couple extra sips. He wanted to be as drunk as Bellamy. He wanted to feel loose and not worry about anything for a few hours. 

"Lately I haven't been. Not a lot. Bad dreams," Bellamy replied, eyes distant as he stared at his feet. Murphy wanted to pry but they had this thing where they didn't share their true feelings with each other. He wondered if Bellamy wanted him to ask. But he didn't because he just wanted to feel good. He wanted to laugh and see Bellamy laugh again. 

"A little more of this'll put you right out," he settled on, and took another sip before handing the bottle back to Bellamy. He laid his head back on the discarded backpack and let his eyelids droop a little. He could already feel the alcohol in his legs, a warm buzz traveling up his shins to his thighs. 

Bellamy laid down next to him. For the first time, he wasn’t an entire foot away. His shoulder was just barely brushing Murphy’s, but that one small point of contact was all Murphy could focus on. His skin felt like it was on fire, even through his sweater. He realized he wanted to be closer, and he didn’t know how to deal with that. He grabbed the bottle when Bellamy handed it back to him and pounded down a good three sips. He was nervous all of a sudden, and he needed that to go away. 

Bellamy started talking about some movie they’d seen when they were kids and he let himself get lost in the rise and fall of Bellamy’s familiar voice. He felt his breathing start to slow and his chest loosened a little. He knew it was the alcohol hitting him. 

Eventually they fell into their normal back and forth, laughing and passing the bottle and teasing each other. Murphy could feel a pleasant, heavy buzz behind his eyes and in his fingertips and it'd been so long since he just felt this comfortable and at ease, and loose. Every movement felt a little too sloppy, but it was nice. He hoped Bellamy felt the same. He looked at him, studied his freckles while he talked, the lines next to his eyes that showed up when he laughed about a story he'd been telling. They were laying in the grass facing each other, heads supported on their elbows. Murphy's head was starting to feel too heavy to hold up but he took another swig from the almost empty whiskey bottle anyway. Bellamy shook his head and smiled. "Didn't know you were such a lush Murphy."

"Shut up Bellamy, you're just as drunk as I am," Murphy grinned. He didn't know if it was true, but he hoped it was. He couldn't really find the energy to be embarrassed even if it wasn't. 

"Yeah, you're probably right," Bellamy laughed and Murphy laughed too in relief. "This is nice, you know?"

"Least stressed I've been since I can remember, yeah." Murphy acted like he thought Bellamy was just talking about the whiskey because he probably was. 

"No I mean, hanging out. Being friends again." Oh. Murphy met Bellamy’s eyes hesitantly, an unsure smile playing on his lips. Bellamy was looking back and he wasn't smiling but his eyes were soft. "Missed you, you know?" He said it quietly, but he said it. Murphy just stared back, and the smile left his mouth because in that moment he was terrified. He felt like any sound or movement could destroy it and he was tired of destroying things. 

And then his lack of response seemed to make Bellamy nervous, a hint of worry passing through his dark eyes. And Murphy couldn't deal with that, so he reached out, leaning over the whiskey bottle to move his hand to the back of Bellamy’s neck and pull him in before he could overthink it. For one terrifying second he could feel Bellamy tense up, but then his entire body relaxed as their lips touched. Bellamy's lips were chapped and rough from being bitten when he worried and they felt nice sliding against Murphy's soft ones. His fingers were just brushing the curls at the back of Bellamy’s neck and suddenly Bellamy had moved his hand to the side of Murphy's face, his thumb brushing lightly over Murphy's cheek. The kiss was cautious but Murphy could feel the electricity and the want from Bellamy’s lips and all the places their bodies weren't touching. 

It took everything for him to pull away slowly and gauge Bellamy’s reaction to what he'd done. Their faces were inches apart, and Murphy was barely breathing. Bellamy stared back at him, face unreadable but eyes still soft. His hand lingered lightly on Murphy's cheek. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't-" Murphy's voice cracked over the whispered words, but Bellamy shook his head. 

"Dammit, Murphy don't apologize." And then Bellamy was kissing him again but it wasn't gentle this time. His hand was heavy and hot on Murphy’s cheek and when Murphy parted his lips, Bellamy’s tongue slipped between them. He was giving Murphy something he hadn’t known if he would ever have again. He didn’t know if anyone would ever want him after everything. He gripped the front of Bellamy’s sweater with white knuckles to keep his hands from shaking as Bellamy pulled Murphy’s bottom lip between his teeth. He let Bellamy lay him back in the grass and sloppily kiss a trail down his jaw and to his neck. He tried not to make an embarrassing noise when Bellamy bit down lightly on the skin just below his ear. And then Bellamy was moving farther down, mouth on his Adam’s apple, and it was too much for some reason. That spot just brought up too much that he couldn’t really deal with thinking about. 

He sat up suddenly and Bellamy sat back on his heels, looking confused and a little worried. Murphy felt like he couldn’t breathe, and he didn’t know why it had happened so suddenly. “Murphy, are you okay? I’m sorry, I-“ Bellamy trailed off.

“Yeah. I have to go,” Murphy said quickly, and stood up unsteadily, kicking the empty bottle in his rush to get out of the room. Bellamy started to stand up too. Murphy was trying not to look at him, but he could tell just from glancing at him that he was worried. “I’m fine. I’ll see you later,” Murphy mumbled and hurried across the field and through the door, leaving Bellamy alone and confused behind him. 

He stumbled back to his apartment, fumbled for the key, and collapsed on the couch in the dark as soon as he was inside. He buried his face in the cushions and squeezed his eyes shut as tightly as he could, willing himself not to cry and to breathe. He kept telling himself he was just drunk and being dumb. Eventually the alcohol and exhaustion took over and he fell asleep. 


	8. all i saw for years was red

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to post a super long chapter, but I had to end up splitting it into two, so here's one for today and there'll be one tomorrow. I hope you're still liking it. Kind of getting self-conscious about it because I'm POOP.
> 
> also, i didn't know that their age difference was ever actually mentioned on the show, and some anonymous commenter pointed out that they're six years apart, not four like i said. so if that bothers you a lot, my bad.

Bellamy woke up in bed with a pounding head and an upset stomach. He tried to breathe in and out through his mouth, but he felt his stomach lurch anyway. He knew what was coming so he ran to the bathroom that was off his bedroom and kneeled in front of the toilet and threw up. He coughed and heaved until there was nothing left i his stomach and leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes. His chest moved up and down as he tried to catch his breath. He was more confused now than ever, and he felt terrible, but it wasn't just because of the hangover. 

He'd obviously scared Murphy or done something wrong somehow. He wasn't drunk enough the night before to forget the look on Murphy's face when he pulled away. He looked terrified and sad. Bellamy didn't know if he should let him have some space or go apologize. But he knew he liked kissing him. He liked feeling him under his hands. He wanted to kiss him again but he didn't know if that would happen after the way he’d reacted. He hit the back of his head against the wall frustratedly.

* * *

 

On the other side of the ship, Murphy was waking up with a headache not much better than Bellamy's. He'd slept in his clothes and shoes on the couch, so he felt grimy and his back felt awful. He made his way to the bathroom and sat on the toilet to unlace his boots. He pulled them off and took off his jeans and sweater and stood in front of the mirror, staring at himself. 

His hair was a mess and he had huge dark circles under his tired eyes. His face looked too thin, cheekbones sharper than they’d ever been above the hollows of his cheeks, and he had messy scruff peppering his jawline. He let his eyes roam down to his neck. The scar was still there. Raised and pink and ugly. He sighed in disgust. Bellamy had touched it, and it was like a button that turned on something in him that he tried to keep switched off. He never looked at himself in the mirror because he disgusted himself. His reflection was full of reminders. He let his eyes trail down to the scars on his shoulders and his ribs, sick souvenirs from his time as a prisoner of the grounders. They knew how to torture without killing, but it sure as hell made you wish you were dead, if only to make the pain stop. The scars were deep, red and shocking. He knew they were on his back too. And then there were the ones from his mom. The burn on his arm, the little crescent shaped one on his wrist. They were the smallest, but they were the ugliest to him. He was damaged on the inside and his outside was a walking advertisement for that. He closed his eyes and breathed slow. In and out, in and out. He turned the shower on and stepped in, let the warm water run over his skin and leaned his forehead against the wall. He wished there was enough water to never get out. He could almost imagine the sound of the water running was the sound of rain. He missed the rain more than he missed the sun. It always calmed something down inside of him.

* * *

 

When he'd gotten out of the shower and put some clothes on, Murphy decided to go see Raven. It was out of character for him to seek advice or comfort from anyone, but he was driving himself crazy. He hoped she was in the lab like she usually was, because he didn't have to pass anyone else's apartment to get there so maybe he wouldn't accidentally run into Bellamy. 

He made his way down the hall to the lab and sure enough she was there, tinkering with some machine and talking to Echo, who was leaning up against the metal railing on the side of the room. They both looked up when the door slid open. 

"Hey Murphy," Raven greeted, "nice to see you coming out during the day."

Murphy didn't have the energy for a smart ass comeback so he smiled weakly and said, "Yeah. Um. Can I talk to you?"

Raven's face immediately became concerned, her brow furrowed. "Yeah of course. What's up?"

Murphy hesitated and looked over at Echo skeptically. She huffed and rolled her eyes. “Okay, I get it. See you later Raven," she said, and made her way across the room, back through the sliding door Murphy had just come in. 

Raven walked over to a desk on the side of the room and perched on the edge of it, then motioned for Murphy to come sit next to her. "What's going on?" she asked. 

Murphy rolled his eyes at himself. "This is weird.”

"Murphy, cut the crap. Just talk to me. You know you can trust me," Raven said reassuringly. 

"Yeah. Okay. So, you know Bellamy and I are kinda friends again?"

Raven nodded. Murphy was looking down at his feet. 

"Well, obviously we have a lot of history. But, we were best friends before the drop ship," he explained. 

"Finn mentioned that once," Raven replied. "I didn't care at the time because I hated your guts,” she punched him gently in the arm. “But it had to be really hard for you, the way he treated you."

Murphy nodded. "Yeah, I mean he did what he had to do. But... I always lose people. And it's probably gonna be the same with him. I'd rather protect myself, you know?"

Raven smiled kind of sadly. "Murphy, in case you haven't noticed it's already pretty lonely up here. I understand being scared. But Bellamy's changed a lot since you first got sent to the ground. It's okay to be careful, but maybe letting him in wouldn't be so bad. It's obvious he cares about you."

Murphy was quiet for a second. He was trying to decide if he could trust Raven like she said he could. He didn't talk to people about things. He wanted to tell someone about the kiss but he didn't think he could do it yet. "You think he actually cares about me?" he asked skeptically. 

Raven smiled softly and nodded. "Yeah I do. He did everything he could to get you out of your room. He was so worried about you." 

Murphy raised his eyebrows. He didn't know Bellamy had been that worried. "Really?" he asked. 

"Yes," Raven answered. "I think it's good for both of you to put the past behind you and be friends again, especially since we're stuck up here in this metal cage. If you keep pushing people out you'll drive yourself crazy."

Murphy huffed out a laugh. "I'm already crazy.” 

“That’s true. But if you and I can be friends after everything, I think you and Bellamy have a chance.” She patted him on the knee, and he grinned crookedly.

“Thanks Raven. You’re a good friend.”

She shrugged and smiled cockily as she hopped off the table. "I know.”

Murphy thanked her again and headed out of the lab and back to his apartment. He was trying to take in what she said, but he knew he wasn't ready to face Bellamy yet. He could feel the acid churning in his empty stomach. He curled up in bed and turned on an old movie, and eventually fell asleep with the covers pulled over his head. 

* * *

 

That night, Bellamy sat at his usual spot at the table and kept looking up at the door expecting Murphy to show up. It was the first night in a couple weeks he wasn't there with all of them. Bellamy wasn't the only one who noticed. "Hey Bellamy, where's Murphy tonight?" Harper asked from across the table. 

Bellamy shrugged. "Maybe he didn't feel good or something." He looked down at his plate but he could feel Raven staring at him. He wouldn't give her the satisfaction of looking up. 

As soon as dinner was over, Bellamy made sure no one saw the direction he took, and made his way to the solar fields. He expected when he turned the corner and walked through the entrance that he'd see Murphy's small frame sprawled out in his usual spot in the grass, but the field was empty and dark. Bellamy furrowed his brow and shook his head. He knew Murphy must be in his apartment but he felt like going there would be crossing the line. He wanted to more than anything, but he knew he should just let him be until he felt like talking. That worked best when they were kids anyway. He walked back to his apartment defeatedly and sat on the couch to read for a few hours before he tried to sleep. 

 


	9. i need to know that you are safe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said this would be up yesterday, but I just started a new job and I didn't have time to finish it. I hope you like it! I said it was slow burn and it really is. :b

Murphy woke up to the DVD menu playing on a loop. He didn't know what time it was but he knew he'd been asleep for a while. He laid in bed for another fifteen minutes or so, trying to psych himself up for what he was about to do. When he finally couldn’t hear the menu song play again, he got up and turned the tv off, pulled on some pants and a thermal and laced up his boots with shaking hands. 

He left his apartment and walked down the dimly lit hallways, clenching and unclenching his fists until he left crescent shaped nail marks in his palms. He knew he was opening a door he couldn't shut very easily by going to Bellamy's place, but he was tired of losing people, and he felt like maybe for once he could actually control the situation and stop that from happening. He was terrified, but he didn't want to push Bellamy away before he was even close. 

He reached Bellamy's door faster than he really wanted to and stood outside for a minute, shifting back and forth on his feet and considering turning around and going back to bed. He was clenching his jaw and biting the inside of his top lip, but finally he took a deep breath and knocked three times with his fist. For a second, he didn’t hear anything and thought maybe Bellamy was asleep. But then he heard some shuffling around and a few footsteps, and Bellamy opened the door. It was dimmer inside than it was in the hallway and Bellamy blinked sleepily into the light. His hair was messed up and he wore boxers and an old t-shirt, and Murphy couldn't help the hesitant little smile that crept onto his face. 

“Murphy, hey. What’s up?” Bellamy asked, voice raspy like he hadn’t used it in hours. He sounded slightly confused, but more concerned. 

Murphy felt like if he spoke his voice might not work, but he tried anyway. “I just…” he ran his hand through his hair. Bellamy waited patiently for him to finish, but he didn’t have the words. He just stared into Bellamy’s eyes, mouth open a little on his unfinished sentence.  
“I’m sorry if I did something that-“ Bellamy started but before he could finish, Murphy stepped forward into his space and pulled him in with a hand on the back of his neck. He kissed Bellamy like he’d been wanting to for a long time and Bellamy didn’t hesitate to kiss back. He moved his hands to rest gently on Murphy’s hips and held onto him while Murphy let his fingers weave into the curls at the back of Bellamy’s neck. Bellamy moved his hands to the sides of Murphy’s face and pulled away a little bit, their foreheads still touching. “Are you sure this is okay?” he asked softly, cupping Murphy’s cheeks like he was glass, like he would break. 

Murphy honestly didn’t know if it was, but he wanted it to be. The ghost of a smile played across his lips and backed Bellamy into his apartment with his hands on his forearms. Once the door had shut behind them he backed against it and pulled Bellamy toward him by the front of his t-shirt until his body was pressed against Murphy’s. Bellamy smirked a little and started kissing him again, holding onto his hips a little tighter than before, with one of his thumbs running up and down Murphy’s hipbone.

He kissed him slow and heavy, and Murphy felt like he could drown in it. Bellamy slid his tongue between Murphy’s slightly parted lips and moved it slowly over Murphy’s. Murphy wanted to slide down the door to the floor and just melt but he forced his legs to keep him standing. One of his hands was still fisted in the front of Bellamy’s shirt, but he knew if it wasn’t it’d be shaking. Every inch of his skin that wasn’t touching Bellamy felt like it should be and he was on fire with it.

The only sound in the apartment was their lips moving together wetly, and Murphy's back sliding against the door. He made a soft sound in the back of his throat when Bellamy pushed his hips against his and he pushed back, wanting to feel more friction than what he was getting through his jeans. He envied Bellamy for having the foresight to wear thin boxers. 

Bellamy began to leave a trail of sloppy kisses across Murphy's jaw and cheek until he reached his ear and sucked his lobe between his teeth. He bit down gently and sucked and the sensation of Bellamy's teeth sliding across his skin made Murphy practically moan. Bellamy kissed the spot behind his ear and started to make his way down Murphy’s neck, and Murphy panicked because this was where it'd gotten all fucked up last time. 

"Bellamy, um, I," he stuttered out breathlessly. 

Bellamy immediately stopped and pulled back but kept his hands on Murphy's hips. He looked really worried. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"

Murphy grimaced. He hated that he even had to say anything. He didn't want to. He just wanted to be normal. “Just…could you not touch my throat? It's, I just don't like-“ he trailed off at the end. His throat tight and he lost the words he thought he’d have if he started to feel like this again.

Bellamy stared into Murphy's eyes through the almost-darkness and looked confused, then taken aback, then worried again. "Yeah, I won't touch your throat. But are you sure this is okay, Murphy? We don't have to-"

"No, I want to. I really do," Murphy interrupted breathlessly, and leaned in to kiss Bellamy again, soft and slow. When he pulled back Bellamy smiled a little and slid his hand into Murphy's. 

"Come on," he instructed and gently pulled Murphy along behind him and across the room to his bedroom. His fingers were warm between Murphy's and he thought to himself that everything about Bellamy seemed to be warm. 

Bellamy was fire, comforting and strong and sure of himself, destructive when he was angry, passionate. 

And Murphy was ice. Cold, distant and bitter, hard but easily cracked. He had tried to make his heart stone, but he wanted to let Bellamy melt it. He wanted to be on fire too. 

Bellamy's room was dark except for the small glow coming from a small, nightlight-like lamp on his bedside table. Murphy could see the shadows cast by stacks of books on the ground and on the shelves that lined one of the walls. He could see the thick, black X's on the calendar on the wall. Bellamy led him to the bed and he sat on the edge of it. He was surprised when Bellamy knelt down in front of him on the floor and put his hands on Murphy’s knees.

"I know you well enough to know when you're scared. You looked like you wanted to run out there," he said, looking at Murphy, studying his face. Murphy scoffed and looked down at his hands. 

"Bellamy, I'm not a kid. You don't have to take care of me. I came here to-"

Bellamy lifted Murphy's chin gently so that he was looking at him. "Let's just take it slow. We have time."

Murphy breathed out, slow and steady like a balloon deflating. 

Bellamy smiled softly. "We're stuck up here for almost two more years. We have time."

Murphy smiled too. He felt himself relaxing. He knew Bellamy would've fucked him if he thought Murphy wanted it too. He did want it, he was just so fucked up over everything, and it scared him. He was usually good at hiding his emotions, but Bellamy had always seen right through him. 

Bellamy crawled over to his beside table and pulled a stack off of it, then sat back on his knees rifling through it. "I took this from the library the other day. Wanna watch it with me?" he asked, and Murphy squinted through the dark to see what he was holding up. It was Star Wars. 

Murphy felt his stomach flutter and he felt warmth spreading in his gut. He grinned. "Yeah. I'll try to stay awake this time."

Bellamy laughed. "You better. It's a cinematic masterpiece.”

Murphy rolled his eyes with a smile on his face as Bellamy picked himself up off the floor and walked over to the TV on the wall. He opened the DVD and slid it into the opening on the side of the television. He turned around to face Murphy who was still sitting on the edge of the bed just watching him. Bellamy flashed a goofy grin in the blue TV light and jumped onto the other side of the bed, sprawling out and making Murphy laugh. Murphy laid down on his back with his head propped against a pillow as Bellamy sat up and fiddled with the remote. 

The opening notes of the Star Wars theme song began and Bellamy threw the remote somewhere at the end of the bed. He slid his arm around and said, “Come here,” quietly. He pulled him closer and Murphy came easily, pliant and happy to be as close to Bellamy as possible. Bellamy’s arm wrapped all the way around Murphy and his nose was just touching the top of Murphy’s head. He could feel Bellamy’s soft breathing in his hair. The movie started, and they didn’t talk, but Murphy slid one of his legs between Bellamy’s so they were all tangled up like they used to be when they were younger and watching movies in the dark. 

About halfway through the movie, Bellamy’s breathing slowed and every few breaths he snored quietly. Murphy smiled to himself. his cheek was resting on the upper part of Bellamy’s arm, and he turned his head carefully and kissed the warm skin there, letting his lips linger for a while. He kept his promise and watched the rest of the movie. When it was over, he didn’t want to move and wake up Bellamy, so he fell asleep to the DVD menu and the feel of Bellamy’s chest rising and falling peacefully against him. 


	10. you got all the love i can stand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a few days! I was trying to write this chapter with the best characterization that I could but it was hard because both of them being vulnerable at the same time hasn't really happened, so I hope it seems realistic. Savor this fluff (and smut...) because you know I have to throw a curveball soon ;b

When Bellamy woke up in the morning, he was surprised to find Murphy still asleep in his bed, lying on his back with his head tilted toward Bellamy. 

The power saving mode on the tv must've kicked in overnight because it was off, and the only light in the room was the dim glow of the early morning circadian lights. 

Bellamy stared at the side of Murphy's face, thinking about how it'd been so long since he'd seen him looking peaceful. He usually looked like he was thinking, like his mind was always moving. And seeing him so still and vulnerable made Bellamy feel a little choked up for a reason he couldn't really put his finger on. 

Maybe it was because they'd been fighting for their lives since before they'd even gotten to the ground for the first time. Maybe it was because this moment of complete peace was so rare that Bellamy didn't even know how to handle it. 

He'd always tried to be strong, but it was all crumbling piece by piece now that he couldn’t distract himself from everything he'd pushed to the back of his mind.

As he kept staring at Murphy he let a few silent tears slip down his cheeks. He inhaled shakily and it must've moved the mattress a little because Murphy's eyes fluttered open slowly. Bellamy quickly reached a hand up and scrubbed his hand over his face, trying to play it off like he'd just woken up too. But Murphy knew him better. 

"Hey. What's wrong?" Murphy asked quietly, looking into Bellamy's watery eyes. 

Bellamy clenched his jaw, then released it. "I'm okay."

"You don't have to do that with me, Bell," Murphy said seriously, not blinking, sleepy eyes scanning Bellamy's face. 

Something about the nickname and not hearing it from Murphy for such  a long time punched him in the gut. "Everything I tried not to feel or think about keeps catching up to me up here."

Murphy didn't say anything, just let him get his thoughts together and kept eye contact with him. "I just...I don't feel safe. I haven't in- I just want us to be safe,” Bellamy explained. “And you. After everything, I want you to be happy. You deserve that." Bellamy knew his jumbled answer didn't make sense. It didn’t, even to him, but he hoped Murphy knew what he meant. 

Murphy's brow was furrowed and he blinked slowly. "So do you."

Bellamy's eyes were welling up and dangerously close to spilling over again. "Do I?" he asked earnestly, his voice hoarse and wet. 

"Yeah, yes, you do," Murphy answered without hesitation. "Nobody's just bad or good Bellamy. We all have both, okay?"

Bellamy nodded and wiped at his eyes again with the back of his arm. 

"Murphy," Bellamy said, voice barely above a whisper. "Can I...can I see your scar?" He asked it so quietly that Murphy was tempted to pretend he didn't hear it, but of course he did. He inhaled sharply and held it longer than normal. It hurt his chest. He didn't say yes or no but he could feel the weight of Bellamy's question crushing him. He looked at Bellamy's eyes, warm and sad and watery, more honest than they'd ever looked. He felt sick, but he tilted his head back slowly anyway and pulled his shirt down a little so his neck was completely exposed. Even in the low light he felt like it was too much. He felt naked. 

It was quiet for a few seconds and then he heard Bellamy let out a choked sob. 

He knew it looked bad. It was raised and pink, running the length of his throat and cutting right across his Adam's apple. He tilted his head forward again and looked at Bellamy. He didn't know what to say. Bellamy was actually crying now and he hadn't seen that in a long time. 

"Murphy I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry," he said desperately. 

"I know," Murphy answered gently. "I know you are." 

Murphy brought one of his hands up and laid it on Bellamy's chest where he thought his heart would be. He let it rest there heavily and just laid with Bellamy until he eventually stopped crying and Murphy felt his breathing start to slow under his hand. 

"Why are we so fucked up?" Murphy said finally, trying for light and joking, but it missed the mark a little. 

"I don't know. Maybe it’s the radiation," Bellamy responded, voice steady again. He let himself smile, and Murphy laughed a little at that.

Bellamy reached a hand up and trailed two fingers lightly over Murphy's cheek and across his jaw. Murphy closed his eyes and Bellamy smiled because he looked peaceful again. He felt guilty for crying in front of him, but Murphy’s reaction had been a nice surprise. He didn’t shut down or freeze up like Bellamy thought he would.

Bellamy cupped Murphy's jaw in his hand and leaned in to kiss him softly on the lips. Murphy kissed back, slow and sure. He moved his hand from Bellamy's chest to the side of his neck, his thumb just brushing Bellamy's earlobe. Bellamy slipped his tongue into Murphy’s mouth and moved his hand to the back of his neck to pull him closer. Murphy let himself be pulled and moved his body so he and Bellamy were chest to chest. He slid his hand down Bellamy’s neck to his collar bone, and slowly made his way down to Bellamy’s hip. He pulled Bellamy’s hips to his, and Bellamy’s breath caught in his chest. Murphy taking control, no matter how little, did something to him. It turned him on so much he had to stop himself from flipping Murphy on his back and having his way with him. 

Bellamy rolled his hips slowly against Murphy’s and Murphy couldn’t help the little moan that escaped his throat. Murphy felt Bellamy smirk against his lips as he rolled his hips into Murphy’s again. Murphy could play that game too. He pushed Bellamy gently onto his back and moved so he was straddling Bellamy’s hips. He sucked Bellamy’s bottom lip between his teeth and bit down, letting his teeth scrape over the skin when he pulled away. He moved to Bellamy’s jaw, leaving a trail of slow, open mouthed kisses down to the skin just below his ear. 

Bellamy continued to grind against Murphy and tilted his head so his neck was exposed for him. Murphy had made his way down slowly and was taking his time sucking and biting a mark into the skin just above where Bellamy’s neck and shoulder met. Bellamy was trying his best not to make any embarrassing noises, but breathy, little almost-moans kept escaping whenever Murphy used his teeth.

“Murph, Murphy-“ he breathed, “we’re supposed to be going slow.”

Murphy pulled away from Bellamy’s neck and sat up a little so he could smirk down at him. He rolled his hips down into Bellamy’s. “I don’t wanna go slow anymore.” Bellamy looked up at the ceiling and smiled in defeat. He knew he was done for, but he couldn’t really bring himself to care.

“Take this off,” Murphy said with a little sideways smile, pulling on the hem of Bellamy’s t-shirt. He sat up halfway and pulled it off with a little help from Murphy, who threw it somewhere on the floor. 

Before Bellamy could move to pull Murphy’s shirt off too, Murphy’s lips and teeth were on his neck again. He didn’t mention it because he had a feeling he knew why. Revealing one scar was enough for Murphy for one day. Bellamy had seen a glimpse of the others when Murphy’s shirt had slipped down his shoulder one night in the field, and again when his shirt rode up when he reached for a high shelf in the common room before dinner. He didn’t wanna push Murphy anymore than he already had.

He got distracted from his thoughts when Murphy’s teeth scraped over his collarbone and then he sucked one of Bellamy’s nipples into his mouth and swirled his tongue around it. “Fuck,” Bellamy breathed. He could practically feel the goosebumps forming on his skin. 

Murphy continued his tour down Bellamy’s body with sloppy kisses down his ribs and stomach, and then he reached his hipbones. He pulled Bellamy’s boxers down a little so they stopped right above his dick. He sucked and bit a small, purple mark into the soft, warm skin at the joint of Bellamy’s hip. Bellamy couldn’t help but writhe a little on the bed, desperately needing some friction or something from Murphy. 

“I’m getting there,” Murphy said in a gravelly tone, the hint of a smile in his voice. 

“Get there faster,” Bellamy said through gritted teeth as Murphy licked a stripe across his stomach, just above the waistband of his boxers. He shivered.

“We’re supposed to be going slow, Bell,” Murphy said in a smart ass tone, mimicking what Bellamy had said earlier.

“Shut the fuck up, Murphy,” Bellamy laughed, but he stopped laughing pretty fast because Murphy was pulling his boxers farther down then, until they were below his ass. His dick was hard and completely exposed now and he couldn’t help feeling a little vulnerable considering Murphy was still completely clothed and he was pretty much naked.

That feeling went away pretty fast when Murphy spit in his hand and wrapped it around Bellamy’s dick. He moved it and up and down slowly, watching Bellamy’s face as he did it. Bellamy’s eyes were closed at first and he was biting his lip, his chest moving up and down heavily. Then with hooded eyes, he watched Murphy’s hand sliding around him. 

“You like watching me jack you off?” Murphy smirked and Bellamy looked up at him, pausing before he nodded slowly with parted lips, clearly short of breath.

“You’ll love this then,” Murphy mused and backed up a little on his knees, then lowered his head down and gave Bellamy a devilish look through his eyelashes before taking his dick in his mouth and sliding down as slow as he could until it hit the back of his throat.

Bellamy couldn’t stop himself anymore and he let out a low moan that made Murphy’s dick twitch. He pulled off until his lips were just wrapped around the head and moved his tongue in a slow circle, tasting the pre cum Bellamy was already leaking. He lowered himself down again, his nose almost touching Bellamy’s stomach and then back up, getting faster each time. He was working Bellamy with his hand and holding onto one of his thighs with the other. Bellamy thrust his hips up to meet Murphy’s mouth. His eyes were closed and his fists were gripping the sheets. He was trying to make it last, to concentrate on Murphy’s fingers digging into his thigh instead of his lips sliding up and down his dick, but both of those things were pretty amazing and he felt a warm pooling low in the pit of his stomach. 

“Murphy, I’m gonna come,” he panted, trying to give him time to pull off. Murphy just looked up at him again, the hint of a smile in his eyes and took him down the farthest he had gone yet, choking a little, his lips wet and dark pink as he sputtered and breathed in heavily through his nose. Bellamy moved one hand to the side of Murphy’s face, weaving his fingers through his hair while his thumb brushed Murphy’s cheek. He swallowed around Bellamy and then he was coming. He said Murphy’s name and he was breathing fast, biting his lip as Murphy swallowed all of it. 

He kept sucking until Bellamy shivered and gently guided his head back with his hand. He let it rest on Murphy’s cheek, then moved his thumb to gently wipe across Murphy’s wet bottom lip. He leaned forward and sucked Bellamy’s thumb into his mouth, then bit down on it as he looked Bellamy straight in the eyes with his dark ones.

“Fuck. Murphy. Come here,” Bellamy sighed and pulled him by the back of his neck until their lips met. They kissed desperately, their teeth accidentally bumping together. Bellamy could taste himself on Murphy’s tongue. He had one hand on the side of Murphy’s face, the other still on the back of his neck and he pressed as close as he could to Murphy’s body. He never wanted them to be distant again. He never wanted to lose him and he was trying to make him feel it through the kiss.

When they pulled away to catch their breath, breathing into each other’s mouths with their foreheads still touching, Bellamy let his hand slide down to the side of Murphy’s neck and said, “Let me do something for you now.”

Murphy smiled a little and shook his head. “I just wanna lay here with you.”

Bellamy didn’t know what he was actually thinking and he didn’t ask. He just listened. He laid back and let Murphy settle so his head was on Bellamy’s chest and his arm slung across Bellamy’s stomach. Bellamy dragged his fingers through Murphy’s hair while they laid there in comfortable silence. Eventually he slid his hand over Murphy’s shoulder and down his arm to his hand, and slid his fingers between Murphy’s. He felt Murphy’s shoulders relax and his breathing slowed. Eventually they both drifted back to sleep in Bellamy’s bed, wrapped up in each other. Bellamy didn’t say it out loud, because he was reluctant to even admit it to himself, but he felt safer and happier than he had in a couple years.


	11. the shower scene

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS! I'm sorry it's taken me so long to post this. I was kind of stuck. But I lied, the angst isn't strong with this one yet. Have another nice chapter that's exactly what the title suggests it is.

Bellamy woke up again in the late afternoon and blinked sleepily at the digital clock on his bedside table. It was almost 4:30. Murphy was still in his arms, messy hair sticking up in all directions. He looked younger, vulnerable and innocent. Bellamy brushed the hair off of Murphy’s cheek gently. His eyelids fluttered and he blinked up at Bellamy. “Hey,” he said in a raspy voice and smiled.

“Hey,” Bellamy said back. “Are you hungry? We should go to dinner tonight.”

Murphy sniffed and rubbed one of his eyes. “Yeah I could go for some food. I smell like ass though. Need to go home and get a shower.”

“You don’t have to go home,” Bellamy replied as he trailed his fingertips lightly down Murphy’s arm.

“Is that an invitation?” Murphy smirked, watching Bellamy’s hand move down his arm until his fingers were wrapped around Murphy’s wrist.

Bellamy grinned. “Yeah. Come on.” He sat up and pulled Murphy behind him, fingers moving from his wrist to hold his hand. He led Murphy to the bathroom and slid the door shut behind them. Murphy leaned on the sink with his arms crossed over his chest while Bellamy turned the water on in the shower.

When Bellamy turned around he caught Murphy’s eyes and smiled a little. “We’re supposed to conserve water so….” he raised his eyebrows playfully.

“You’re cheesy as hell,” Murphy snorted and rolled his eyes.

Bellamy shrugged his shoulders and laughed as he pulled his shirt over his head. Murphy’s eyes moved over his skin, coffee colored and smooth, tight over his defined abs and arm muscles, and he had the beginnings of those v-lines that only really fit guys ever have. It was almost annoying.

“Damn Bellamy, have you been working out up here?” Murphy joked, trying to stall. He didn’t wanna take his shirt off. Not in the light where Bellamy could see. 

Bellamy shrugged again, grinning. “Nothing big, just push ups and shit when I’m bored.” Murphy forced a smile. 

“You get in before me,” he said flatly, hoping Bellamy would just do it but he knew he wasn’t getting out of this that easily. He didn’t know if he wanted to or not. He’d been ice and stone for so long it’s all he knew how to do, but he wanted Bellamy to help him stop.

Bellamy’s eyes softened and his smirk turned into a small smile. “Murphy,” he said, voice quiet, more gentle as he took a couple steps toward him. He was less than a foot away. “You’re fucking beautiful.”

Murphy’s stubbornness wouldn’t let him break eye contact with Bellamy, but he shook his head.

“I promise,” Bellamy said sincerely. He moved his hands to Murphy’s hips and let his fingers slide just barely under the hem of Murphy’s shirt, ghosting over the skin there. Murphy shivered. “Can I? Please?” Bellamy asked, lips inches away from Murphy’s face. Murphy didn’t have the words to answer so he just nodded once. “You’re safe, I promise,” Bellamy practically whispered.

Murphy swallowed thickly. He could feel his face contorting into that defiant sneer he was famous for, and he tried to stop it as he raised his arms slowly above his head so Bellamy could pull his shirt off. He lifted it over Murphy’s head and threw it on the floor without looking away from Murphy’s face. Then he let his eyes trail down slowly. 

Murphy felt Bellamy’s gaze travel down his chin and over the scar on his neck, the one that had made him cry that morning. Next was his shoulders, the angry red, raised lines that the grounders had left with knives they’d sharpened on shards of flint. He remembered how they’d oozed slowly, thick blood leaking down his chest for hours while he sat in the dark, hands tied behind his back and only cold concrete underneath him. 

Bellamy lifted his hands cautiously to Murphy’s shoulders, hovering above them for a moment to give him a chance to protest, but he didn’t. Bellamy’s warm hands landed softly on his shoulders and he moved them down Murphy’s chest, along the same path his eyes were taking. His fingertips slid over the scars on Murphy’s chest and ribs, and the symbol that had been carved into his stomach. His hands found Murphy’s and he gripped them in his own for a second, squeezing them reassuringly before moving back up his arms.

He landed on the crescent shaped scar that Murphy hated maybe the most. He put his hand over it heavily. “I remember this one,” he said quietly, his voice cracking over the words. 

“You were the only one I showed,” Murphy said back, staring at the top of Bellamy’s hand and trying to imagine the scar under it back when it was open and bleeding. Back when his mom didn’t think twice about slashing at him with a shard of glass from the bottle he’d accidentally knocked off the counter when he was dodging a slap across the face from her. He could almost smell the red wine that had spilled across the floor. He remember his own blood dripping into it.

“Murphy, I still think you’re beautiful,” Bellamy said steadily, bringing him back to the moment. The shower was still running in the background.

Murphy exhaled shakily, trying to focus on the warmth of Bellamy’s hands. “I wish I could see it,” he said honestly. Bellamy furrowed his eyebrows like that sentence physically hurt him. “Water’s getting cold,” Murphy said suddenly. It was too much again.

Bellamy cracked a smile in spite of himself. “Alright, you win for now, but I’m gonna make you see it.”

“Take your fucking pants off, Blake,” Murphy smirked and bent at the waist to start pulling off his own while Bellamy laughed and did the same.

He realized Bellamy had never seen him naked and he prayed he would just get in the shower and not look back at him. He did, and Murphy knew it was because Bellamy didn’t wanna make him nervous, and funnily enough that thought alone made him nervous anyway.

He stared at Bellamy’s ass as he stepped into the shower. Even that was muscular and perfect. He just wanted to bite it. He smiled to himself and stepped into the shower behind Bellamy.

The water was warm and he felt his muscles loosen as soon as it hit his shoulders. Bellamy’s back was to him while he got his hair wet under the shower head, and when he turned around Murphy marveled at each of the water drops falling from his dark curls and sliding down his face.

“You’re so fucking perfect,” he breathed, even though he hadn’t meant to say it out loud.

“Far from it,” Bellamy replied, kind of brushing it off. He shoved Murphy’s shoulder gently. “Turn around.”

Murphy let himself be pushed. Bellamy was the only one he’d ever be this pliant with. His fight or flight shut off in Bellamy’s presence.

“What’re you doing?” Murphy asked, rolling his eyes.

“Shut up. I’m washing your hair,” Bellamy replied matter-of-factly. Murphy rolled his eyes again at the shower wall in front of him but smiled anyway. He heard Bellamy uncap the shampoo and then sit it back down on its ledge. He pulled Murphy back gently by the waist until he was completely under the water. He could feel Bellamy’s chest against his back. He closed his eyes when Bellamy’s fingers touched his scalp. He carded them through Murphy’s hair gently, making sure the water got all of it. He heard Bellamy pick the shampoo back up and he leaned forward so his head wasn’t under the spray anymore.

Bellamy squeezed the shampoo out into his palms and threaded his fingers into Murphy’s hair again. He massaged the soap into the roots at his scalp, making small circles with his fingertips. Murphy’s eyes were still closed and he sighed and moved into Bellamy’s touch.

Bellamy’s hands were working down the back of his head, and he massaged the shampoo into the hair at the nape of Murphy’s neck. Murphy’s breathing was slowing and his chest felt light.

Bellamy didn’t stop at his neck and Murphy didn’t care. Bellamy’s hands were still slippery with shampoo and they slid easily over Murphy’s shoulders. He kneaded the knots out of Murphy’s muscles, moving his thumbs over Murphy’s shoulder blades.

Murphy sighed again, making a little noise in the back of his throat at the end of it. Bellamy’s hands slid down his back at an achingly slow pace. He massaged every inch of skin, let his fingers run over the ridges of Murphy’s spine. 

When he reached the dip in Murphy’s back just above his ass, he slowed his hands even more and slid them around Murphy’s hips. Murphy’s breath caught in his chest as he felt Bellamy take a step forward behind him. 

Bellamy was suddenly in his space, pressed up against him. His chest was against Murphy’s back and his dick was hard against Murphy’s ass. Murphy was hard too. How could he not be after the way Bellamy had been touching him?

Bellamy hooked his chin over Murphy’s shoulder and moved one hand from his hip to his stomach, and then to wrap around his dick. Murphy’s eyes were open now and he exhaled shakily as he let himself look down at Bellamy’s hand on him. He could feel Bellamy’s breath on his neck and the water running between the curves where their bodies weren’t touching. 

Bellamy started moving his hand up and down, slowly at first. It slid against Murphy’s skin easily, water and soap and heat making it feel unbelievably good, better than Murphy could make himself feel when he did this in the shower alone.

He wished he could see Bellamy’s face, but he could feel his chin resting heavily on his shoulder, could feel his chest rising and falling against his back. Knowing Bellamy was watching himself jack Murphy off made him have to bite his lip to try to keep himself from moaning.

Bellamy started to move his hand faster, twisting his wrist every time he reached the head. His other hand still held Murphy’s hip, his fingers digging into the skin there and pulling Murphy as tightly against him as he could. 

Murphy reached a hand out and spread his palm against the wall for leverage. He felt like his legs might give out because Bellamy’s hand felt so good sliding over him. “Bellamy…fuck,” he breathed.

“Wanna make you feel good, Murph,” Bellamy practically whispered against his neck.

Murphy moaned a little. “Feels really good.” Bellamy moved his mouth to the place where Murphy’s neck met his shoulders and sucked the skin there between his teeth gently. The pace he was pumping Murphy was moving his hips so Bellamy’s dick slid against his ass with every pump.

“Bellamy,” Murphy moaned. His legs were shaking. “Don’t stop.”

“Don’t worry, Murph, I won’t stop til you come,” Bellamy replied against his skin. 

“Oh my God,” Murphy practically whined. He had his eyes squeezed shut tightly.

“I like when you say my name,” Bellamy breathed. “You gonna come for me?”

Murphy loved Bellamy’s filthy mouth. Everything he said made Murphy’s stomach twist in an amazing way. He was coming a few seconds later, leaning heavily on his hand as warm spurts hit the shower wall in front of him and dripped into the water at his feet.

As soon as he felt like he could move without sliding to the floor he turned around and pulled Bellamy to him breathlessly. He kissed him desperately under the spray, one hand on the side of his face and the other grasping his shoulder.

Bellamy kissed back just as passionately, both hands on Murphy’s hips, holding him against him. He was still hard against Murphy’s thigh.

“Bell, Bellamy, let me…” Murphy started, moving his hand towards Bellamy’s dick to return the favor.

Bellamy grabbed his hand firmly and held onto his wrist. “You took care of me earlier. This was about you.” He kissed him again, grabbing the hair at the back of his neck to pull him closer.

Eventually they managed to pull apart and finish the shower, but every time Murphy thought about Bellamy’s hands on him he started to get hard again. The water eventually got colder and Bellamy turned the shower off and ran dripping across the cold tile floor, back to his room to get the towels he’d forgotten in his hurry to get Murphy naked.

When he got back he threw a towel at Murphy’s face and scrubbed his hair dry with his own. While they got dressed they listened to music on the old 6-CD changer that had been in the apartment when Bellamy picked it. Bellamy leant Murphy a sweater that was too big for him so it slipped off his shoulders and covered half his hands.

Murphy complained, but not too much because he was happy to be wearing Bellamy’s sweater. And Bellamy didn’t mention that he’d chosen that one specifically so that he could see the hickey he’d made just above Murphy’s collarbone. Thinking about the others maybe noticing it too turned him on more than he cared to admit.

Bellamy turned the lights and the music off and left the apartment for dinner, walking down the hall close enough that their shoulders brushed every couple of feet, and their fingertips were almost touching. Now that he had him, Bellamy didn’t ever wanna let Murphy go.

 


	12. it's the same love that i push away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm so sorry this chapter took so long. I don't know if I like it, but here it is anyway. I tried to write it too many times and now I just want it posted and done. :b I promise the next one will be here faster!

It was becoming pretty normal for Murphy and Bellamy to show up to dinner together, so no one really batted an eye when they walked into the common room together that night. Monty was sprawled across one of the couches, immersed in a game on his tablet, and Echo and Raven were sitting on some chairs already sipping wine and laughing about something. Harper wasn’t in the room yet, presumably because she was still working on whatever meal they were having that night.

Murphy collapsed gracelessly onto the couch across from Echo and Raven and Bellamy sat down next to him. Raven smiled and nodded at them. “Hey guys,” she greeted, and Echo attempted some kind of pained smile at Bellamy and completely ignored Murphy before leaning over the side of her chair to look at Monty’s screen and start asking him questions about the game.

Murphy rolled his eyes and scoffed and Raven just shook her head. She narrowed her eyes then, staring at Murphy with a little smirk on her face. Her gaze trailed to Bellamy and a shit-eating grin spread across her face as she stared at him. “What?” Bellamy asked, genuinely confused. 

Murphy rolled his eyes again, but he was smirking too and he reached over to flick one of Bellamy’s wet curls. They didn’t think about the fact that both of them having wet hair might make it obvious that they just took a shower together, at least to Raven since she kind of already suspected something anyway. Raven laughed and Bellamy’s confused expression quickly melted into an adorably embarrassed one. “Shut up Raven,” he smiled and looked down at his feet.

“I didn’t say anything,” she giggled, and Murphy ran his thumb across his lower lip and continued smirking. He couldn’t keep a straight face. The boys were saved when Harper walked into the room slowly, carefully balancing a huge tray with a giant, silver pot and a stack of plates on it. Bellamy took the opportunity to change the subject and got up to help Harper.

“Let me get that,” he offered, and took the heavy tray from her and sat it down on the big coffee table in front of them. Once everyone was sitting down and Harper had spooned some stir fry onto each of their plates, they all fell into comfortable conversation. Monty explained the game he’d been playing. It was a really old one about a zombie apocalypse and the aftermath. They all thought it was funny that anyone ever imagined zombies would be the end of the world, and Monty offered to install it on their tablets too for when they were bored.

Bellamy told them all about how he’d explored the library the other night and he was ninety percent sure it was haunted, but it was worth it because of all the old movies that were there. Harper said they should all have a movie night with one of the projectors from the lab and Murphy suggested they set it up in the field so they could watch it on blankets under the starts.

While everyone else talked about that excitedly, adding in their own little ideas, Bellamy smiled softly at Murphy and tapped his foot against Murphy's boot. It made him really happy to see Murphy talking to the rest of them like they were his friends. It made his heart hurt, in a bittersweet way. Murphy tapped his foot back and smiled in return with that crooked, broken smile he had when he was being really genuine. 

They all sat around for another hour or so, just talking, soaking in the company and the noise because the ship could get lonely during the day. Harper started to pour everyone a fresh glass of wine, and Bellamy stood up and stretched a little. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom. I’ll be back in a minute.”

Murphy watched him leave and when he turned his attention back to the group, Monty was pulling Harper in and wrapping his arms around her, snuggled into the corner of the couch. “You guys are so sweet it makes me sick,” Raven smiled and Monty looked at Harper like she was the center of the universe. 

“I’m pretty lucky,” he agreed and Harper blushed a little and laughed. 

Echo smiled at her reaction. “Yeah, you two are both lucky to have someone, especially up here.”

Murphy chuckled. “You could always cuddle up with Raven at night,” he said dryly.

Echo rolled her eyes. “Only in your wet dreams, Murphy.” She took a sip of her wine and settled back against her chair, pulling a cushion onto her lap. “Honestly, I feel the most sorry for Bellamy. It’s probably hard to see Harper and Monty so happy and think about losing Clarke.”

Murphy felt his skin get really hot suddenly. He felt queasy and anxious, but he tried to train his face to remain neutral. He could feel Raven looking at him and he didn’t want her to think anything was wrong. Echo’s comment was a double-edged sword honestly. It made him instantly think about his fear that he was a distraction for Bellamy because he was still in love with Clarke, and it hurt him because it meant Echo hadn’t even considered it might be hard for him too after losing Emori. 

“He did always look at her like he loved her. I can’t believe she’s not here,” Harper agreed.

“We all miss her, but he seems like he’s doing okay,” Raven said after a short pause.

Echo took another sip of her wine. “I know, but it was obvious how much he really loved her. And he never even got to say goodbye. She was supposed to be up here with us.”

“And you weren’t,” Murphy said, before he could stop himself. He was so angry. She didn’t know anything, and she didn’t have the right to say any of this in his opinion.

Raven, Monty, and Harper were completely silent with shocked expressions on their faces. Echo looked taken aback for a second, but she quickly regained her composure. “But here I am,” she said unaffectedly and took the last sip of her wine before sitting the empty glass on the table with finality.

“Unfortunately,” Murphy mumbled and stood up suddenly. “I’m gonna go, I’m not feeling that great all of a sudden.”

Raven caught his eye and gave him a concerned look, but he shrugged it off and turned to leave the room. “Night, Murphy,” Harper said gently and he nodded over his shoulder as he  shoved the door open and turned down the hall toward his room. 

He only made it a couple doors down before he slipped into the dark kitchen and slid down the wall to sit on the floor. He scrubbed his hands over his face and tried to focus on breathing, in and out, over and over. The dirty dishes from Harper’s cooking were still scattered across the metal countertop and the light from the hallway leaked in across the tile floor. He stared at the slice of light and willed the tears pricking the corners of his eyes to go away. “Fuck,” he whispered to himself, resting his forehead in his hands, his elbows on his knees. “Fuck.”

 

* * *

 

When Bellamy got back to the common room, Murphy was gone. “Where’d Murphy go?” he asked as he sat back down on the couch across from Raven. 

“He didn’t feel good, so he left to go to bed,” Raven answered, but her eyes said something else. Echo rolled her eyes. 

“I think I’m going to bed too. Goodnight everyone. Thanks for dinner Harper.” She got up and left the room, taking the almost empty bottle of wine with her. Monty and Harper said goodnight a few minutes later and left too, leaving Raven and Bellamy alone in the room.

Once the door closed behind them, Bellamy asked what he’d been wanting to since he came back and Murphy was gone. “Is Murphy okay?”

Raven bit her lip and sighed. “I don’t know, Bellamy. What happened with you guys?”

Now it was Bellamy’s turn to sigh. He ran his hand through his hair. “We’ve been…I don’t know, we’ve been hanging out a lot. Talking every night and falling asleep in the field and stuff. And we were drinking a couple nights ago, and he kissed me.” He looked up at Raven, expecting her to look surprised, but she didn’t.

“Yeah, and then what?” she asked matter of factly.

“I kissed him back. Things got…uh,” he coughed, “I don’t know, I think I scared him. I put my hand on his throat.”

A look of realization spread over Raven’s face. “So that’s what that was about. Damn. He came to talk to me in the lab the other night. He was all anxious about you and about being friends again. It must’ve been after you kissed.”

Bellamy rubbed the back of his neck and then leaned forward with his elbows on his thighs, his hands clasped in front of him. “Probably. He showed up at my place the next night and I let him in. I told him we could take it slow. Stuff still happened. But I just…I care about him Raven. I always have. I want to make him happy.”

Raven’s eyes were soft and she had a small smile on her face. “He hasn’t had a lot of happiness in his life.”

“I know,” Bellamy replied. “I know that. I want him to trust me. I…I don’t know. I’m bad at talking about this stuff.”

Raven was quiet for a second, taking the last sip of the wine in her glass. “He left tonight because Echo was talking about how she thought you still love Clarke. She said she felt bad for you cause Clarke isn’t here.”

“Fuck,” Bellamy sighed and closed his eyes for a second. “I don’t know how I felt about Clarke. I told Murphy that. But it doesn’t matter anymore. She’s not here. And even if she was, I don’t think it’d change how I feel about him.”

Raven raised her eyebrows. “Don’t tell _me_ that, Bell.”

He looked up at her and nodded. “I’m gonna go.”

“Get outta here then,” she smiled.

He stood up and started to walk to the door, but paused after he opened it. “Thanks Raven,” he said and nodded to her.

“Anytime,” she answered, returning the nod. He closed the door and started down the hall to look for Murphy.


	13. in your eyes, i lost my place, could stay awhile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry this update took forever, but I hope the content makes up for it! <3

When the door shut behind Bellamy, he was left alone in the quiet, cold hallway. He knew Murphy wouldn’t be in the solar fields, it was too obvious. He figured maybe he would be holed up in his apartment though, so he started in the direction of Murphy’s place. 

Before he could get more than a few feet, a door about halfway down the hall slid open slowly and Murphy walked out into the corridor. He scrubbed his hand over his face and looked to the left, locking eyes with Bellamy who was now frozen where he stood.

Bellamy didn’t have time to even try to force words from his throat before Murphy was rolling his eyes and turning to walk quickly down the hallway in the opposite direction. Bellamy’s stomach roiled and he swallowed the thick, acid taste in his throat before calling out, “Murphy! Wait!”

Murphy ignored him. His retreating figure turned the corner at the end of the hall, and Bellamy sighed frustratedly and hurried down the hall, trying to catch up with him. “Murphy!” he called again, out of breath as he rounded the corner.

Murphy was halfway to the next corner already and not even looking back over his shoulder at Bellamy. He kept trying anyway. “I know you can hear me so just-“

Murphy wheeled around suddenly, stopping Bellamy in his tracks. His eyes were dark and fiery and his jaw was clenched. There was an anger in his face that Bellamy hadn’t seen in a long time. “What? What the fuck do you want from me Bellamy?! I don't have anything to give you!”

Bellamy was taken aback. He knew Murphy would be upset at what Echo said, but he didn’t know he’d be this pissed. Bellamy held his gaze anyway and kept his voice as steady as he could while he was still out of breath. “You don't have to give me anything, Murphy. I just want you.” Bellamy bit his lip. “Just you.”

Murphy shook his head skeptically, rolling his eyes. Bellamy wanted to tell him to stop, because they’d fall out if he kept doing it that much. He almost managed to sound unaffected and sarcastic when he spoke, but Bellamy knew he was using it to hide the fact that he was hurt. “No you don't. If we were on the ground you wouldn't want me. You're just bored.”

Bellamy leveled his eyes with the most honest expression he could. “Murphy. If we had never come up here, I don't know what would've happened with us. That’s true. I won’t lie to you about that. But if we found a way to get down now, I would still want you once we got there. I want this.”

Murphy didn’t say anything, just stared back at Bellamy, his eyes unreadable. “What about Clarke?” he asked so quietly, Bellamy almost couldn’t hear him over the hum of the ship.

Bellamy sighed. “She’s not here Murphy. And…even if somehow she was, or if she survived, I’d still want you. So much.”

Murphy looked down at his feet, then back up at Bellamy. “I wish I could believe that.”

“You can doubt me all you want but it's the truth,” Bellamy said back immediately. And he meant it. He studied Murphy’s face, trying to figure out what to do to reassure him. He just wanted to break down his walls, to make him understand that Bellamy wanted every piece of him. He wanted to take him apart and put him back together. Murphy pissed him off more than anyone, and now that he was completely stupid when it came to him it was worse than it had ever been. He just wanted to make him see how he really felt. “Let me show you,” he finally said, voice low and gravelly.

Bellamy moved towards him slowly, a rare softness in his eyes that Murphy had always liked to see. He was in Murphy's space now and all Murphy could do was stand against the wall with his mouth hanging open a little, his chest rising and falling with each heavy breath he took and his palms flat against the wall behind him, bracing himself. His hands were shaking.

Bellamy slid his fingertips gently across Murphy's cheeks until he was cupping his face in his hands. “Murphy, this is real. It's real.” Murphy exhaled sharply and his knees almost seemed to buckle a little bit. He nodded once just slightly and Bellamy's lips were on his. 

Murphy kissed back hungrily, like he needed it. He brought his hands to Bellamy's hips and pulled him in closer. Bellamy had moved one hand to the back of his neck and was pulling a little at his hair. Murphy arched into it, pressing his body as close to Bellamy's as it could possibly go. Bellamy’s hands moved down his arms to his wrists, and he moved them up behind Murphy's head, pinning him to the wall. He smirked against Murphy's lips when he felt his hips buck against him and moved down to kiss his jaw, then down his neck, until he reached his collar bone, exposed because of the loose sweater Murphy was wearing. He scraped his teeth along it gently and Murphy groaned. 

“Bellamy. You've gotta- just, please,” he begged breathlessly.

“I'm going to. I'm going to don't worry,” he said lowly, “but this is half the fun.” He ghosted his lips over Murphy's bare shoulder and slid his leg in between both of Murphy's and pushed closer. Murphy moaned again. 

“You're an asshole, you know that?” Murphy said, letting his head fall back against the cold, metal wall.

Bellamy chuckled. “So are you. Come on, let's go.”

Murphy sighed as all the heat of Bellamy’s body was suddenly gone and he was pulling Murphy by the hand down the hallway behind him. “Not up for a little exhibitionism, Blake?” Murphy joked breathlessly, trying to keep up with Bellamy's pace. 

Bellamy stopped suddenly almost knocking Murphy off his feet but he caught him and pinned him against the wall again, a smirk on his lips and a sparkle in his eyes as he stared intently at Murphy. “Maybe, yeah, but right now I wanna take my time with you.”

Murphy choked out a breath and he wanted to break eye contact with Bellamy because it was almost too much to try to keep himself collected, but he couldn’t look away, so he smirked right back. “I like when you boss me around.”

“Shut up Murphy,” Bellamy grinned and began pulling him down the hallway again. 

The walk to Bellamy's room seemed too fast and not fast enough all at once. Murphy had been thinking about this for so long. He'd never gone all the way with a guy before. He was so nervous he could practically feel his heart beating against his sweater. Not that he'd ever admit it of course. 

After a few turns down various hallways they stopped at Bellamy's door. Bellamy fumbled for the key card in his pocket while Murphy pressed up against his back, his fingertips just barely touching Bellamy's waist. The door made a little beeping sound that seemed too loud in the quiet corridor and they clambered inside. 

As soon as the door was shut behind them, Bellamy had Murphy pinned up against it, hands grabbing his hips just roughly enough, his thigh back between Murphy's legs. Bellamy knew what to do with his tongue and he was doing it. Murphy was already hard and he pressed against Bellamy's thigh needing to feel some friction through his too tight black jeans. Murphy had his hands just above Bellamy's ass and he let them trail under his shirt, his cold fingers leaving goosebumps on Bellamy's warm skin. He couldn't help grinding down onto Bellamy's thigh because it felt too fucking good to stop. Bellamy shoved his hips back into the wall and held him there, pulling away from his lips but keeping their foreheads pressed together. “Slow Murphy, we gotta- I wanna go slow,” he breathed.

“Do you really though?” Murphy smirked, even though he was shaking on the inside. 

“Yeah. I wanna make you feel good. I want-just, come here.” He turned around to walk back to his bedroom and held his hand behind his back for Murphy to take. He lead him to the door and pulled him in again kissing him slow and hot as he backed him towards the bed. “Take this off,” he mumbled against Murphy’s lips with his hands at the hem of Murphy's sweater. Murphy lifted his arms above his head and let Bellamy pull his shirt over his head. He threw the black sweater on the floor somewhere and started to lay Murphy down on the bed. 

“If I have to then you do too,” Murphy smiled a little and cocked an eyebrow at Bellamy who was still too clothed for his liking. 

Bellamy pulled his shirt over his head and leaned down to kiss Murphy again. Murphy let his hands run up and down Bellamy’s sides and back and stomach, taking him in and mapping out his skin so he could remember how it felt later when he was alone again. Bellamy’s legs bracketed his hips and they were chest to chest. Murphy's hands continued to roam until he slipped one between them and down to the bulge in Bellamy’s pants. 

Bellamy grabbed his hand and guided it up gently but firmly, holding it above Murphy's head against the mattress. “I said slow, Murphy. This is about you. I wanna show you how much I-I just- let me take care of you.” 

Murphy felt inexplicable tears at the corners of his eyes like pinpricks so he pulled Bellamy in for another kiss before they could slip. It'd never been like this. He'd had sex, yeah sure, and it'd been good, but not like this. He wanted it more than anything. He just cared way too much and it was scaring him. It was more than just getting off and how Bellamy was treating him so carefully made that clear.  

Bellamy kissed him back slowly, one of his hands on Murphy’s jaw, his thumb drifting slowly down Murphy’s cheek. He let his hand slip down Murphy’s neck and chest and left it resting heavily over Murphy's heart. "Do you want this, Murphy?" he asked breathlessly against Murphy's chin.

Murphy could practically feel every nerve in his body pulsing. He knew his breathing was ragged and shaky, and his eyes were watery. He wanted Bellamy so much. He wanted everything with Bellamy. "Yes. I want you. Please, Bell," he finally said, voice cracking with vulnerability and emotion.

Bellamy kissed his chin, and slid his hand down Murphy's ribs and stomach, then started to unbuckle his belt while he kept kissing him. When it was undone, he unbuttoned his pants and bit Murphy’s lip, tugging a little and letting his teeth drag over it before pulling away and sitting back on his heels. 

Murphy looked down at him through hooded eyelids with his mouth open slightly, lips kissed swollen and red. Bellamy hooked his fingers into Murphy’s waistband and started to pull his pants and boxers down together. Murphy lifted his hips up a little to help and Bellamy slid his pants over his thighs, then backed up a little and slid them even farther over his calves and finally his feet. He threw them on the floor and let his eyes travel slowly up Murphy’s body. 

Murphy exhaled shakily. The room was dark, but not completely. That light on Bellamy’s bedside table still glowed, illuminating Bellamy’s perfect outline and making his dark eyes glint. Murphy wondered what his own body looked like in the light. He felt exposed. When Bellamy reached his face, their eyes met and he smiled reassuringly. “Murph, you’re fucking beautiful,”

“Shut up,” Murphy mumbled, breaking into a grin and putting his arm over his eyes. Bellamy moved so he was hovering over Murphy again, and pushed his arm out of the way. He kissed him again, messier this time, smirking against his lips before moving down to kiss his jaw, skipping his neck and biting his shoulder lightly. Murphy closed his eyes and sighed when Bellamy worked on his nipple with his teeth and tongue. He moved his hand through Bellamy’s dark curls, letting his fingers catch lightly as Bellamy left open mouthed kisses down his ribs. He didn’t skip over Murphy’s scars, and it made something in Murphy’s chest feel heavy and warm. 

Finally Bellamy licked a stripe down Murphy’s hipbone and to the place where his hip met his pelvis. Murphy shivered. “Bellamy, fuck,” he breathed and arched his hips up off the mattress. Bellamy chuckled lowly. Murphy was looking down at him, taking everything in. His dark hair was hanging in his eyes and he had a little smirk on his face. He leaned forward and licked a stripe from Murphy’s balls to the head of his dick before taking him in his mouth. He took Murphy as far as he could until his dick hit the back of his throat and he swallowed thickly before sliding back up and swirling his tongue around the head.

Murphy closed his eyes and moaned a little bit, his chest falling up and down heavily. Bellamy slid back down, then up again, his lips making a wet noise as they slid over Murphy’s skin. He kept going, but he moved achingly slow. Murphy tried not to buck his hips up into Bellamy’s mouth, but he couldn’t stop himself from pulling on the hair at the back of his head a little bit. 

Bellamy groaned around him when he felt Murphy pull on his curls, so he did it again a little harder. Bellamy took him deeper then and hollowed his cheeks, and Murphy bit the inside of his cheek and willed himself not to come yet.

“Bell, Bellamy you’re gonna make me come,” he warned breathlessly. Bellamy pulled off slowly and wiped his mouth with the back of one hand while he pumped Murphy lazily with the other. He bit his lip and smirked.

“Can’t have you doing that yet. I told you I wanna take my time with you.”

Murphy felt like the air had been punched out of him, but he tried his best to hide it. “How bout you start by taking your pants off?”

Bellamy laughed and slid off the bed onto his feet. He unbuttoned his tight jeans and slid them down, then kicked them to the side. He was wearing grey boxer briefs and they were tight around his muscular thighs. Murphy wanted to bite them. Bellamy started to climb back onto the bed, but Murphy slid his foot up his chest to stop him. “Take those off too,” he grinned shamelessly.

Bellamy rolled his eyes, but he was still smiling. He stood back up and pulled the boxers down, over his thighs and his knees. They fell to the floor and Murphy took him in as he stared back at him from the end of the bed. He was still smiling a little, and his skin was still tan even though they’d been up here for weeks without sun. Freckles peppered his shoulders and chest, and his dick was hard against his toned stomach. “Damn,” Murphy breathed. 

Bellamy’s smile became a little shy, which was rare for him. He didn’t get embarrassed easily. He climbed back onto the bed before Murphy could look at him anymore and made his way up Murphy’s body til they were face to face. Murphy bit his lip and pulled Bellamy’s face to his with a hand on the back of his neck and kissed him deep and slow, slipping his tongue between Bellamy’s parted lips and running it along the roof of his mouth. Bellamy kissed back and let his body press against Murphy’s, skin on skin. Their dicks were pressed against each other and the friction made one of them moan or say the other's name every time one of them shifted their hips just a little bit.

Bellamy’s earlobe was between Murphy’s teeth and Bellamy made soft sounds against Murphy’s shoulder as he moved his hips against Murphy’s. Murphy pulled him closer with both hands on his ass. “Murphy,” he breathed, “wanna fuck you.” 

Murphy nodded slowly against his cheek and pulled back to kiss his lips again. “Yeah, that's, yes. I need you Bell,” he said against Bellamy’s mouth, pushing his hips up and letting his dick slide against Bellamy’s again.

"Hold on, okay?" Bellamy said gently, kissing the corner of Murphy's mouth and crawling over to the bedside table to get a condom and the little bottle of lube that he kept there. He crawled back to Murphy, climbing between his legs and kneeling in front of him. He could feel Murphy watching his every move as he set the condom aside and uncapped the lube bottle and let a little drip onto two of his fingers. He looked up at Murphy and tried to reassure him with his eyes as he moved his fingers down between Murphy's legs. “Is this okay?” he asked quietly before he did anything. Murphy nodded, so Bellamy slid one finger between Murphy’s cheeks and began to rub slow circles over his hole.

“Bellamy,” Murphy almost whispered, his eyes closed and his hand fisted in the sheets next to him. He was breathing slow and deep, and Bellamy let one finger slip inside him. He moved it in and out slowly, working him open until he was up to the knuckle. “I need more Bell,” Murphy breathed shakily. 

Bellamy kissed the inside of his knee as he slid a second finger in next to the first. He hooked his fingers and moved them in and out, changing the angle until he felt Murphy’s body tense up and a moan escaped from his lips. He hit Murphy’s prostate again and again with his fingers until he was writhing on the mattress, little moans being coaxed from his lips every time Bellamy’s fingers moved inside him.

“Want me to-“ Bellamy started.

“Yes, fuck, please, just…” Murphy interrupted him, kissing him sloppily, their teeth knocking together. 

Bellamy pulled his fingers out slowly and picked the condom up off the mattress while Murphy pumped himself lazily and watched Bellamy rip the foil open with his teeth. He sat back on his heels and slid the condom over his dick, then drizzled a little more lube over it and spread it with his hand, warming it up for Murphy.

Bellamy sat back up so he was on his knees in front of Murphy and slid his hands up the back of Murphy's smooth pale thighs, letting them stop and rest on his knees. Murphy lifted his hips up a little and Bellamy moved forward and slid his dick between Murphy’s cheeks. Murphy was breathing heavy and so was Bellamy. He was nervous too. He didn't want to hurt Murphy. He just wanted to make him feel good. Feel safe. He lined himself up with Murphy's hole and rubbed slow circles into the skin on the inside of his knees. Any nervousness Murphy had felt those first few times they got close was gone. All his senses were filled with Bellamy, and all he wanted was to be as close to him as possible. In that moment, he wasn’t scared. He was just happy. 

Bellamy pushed in gently and then moved his hips forward until he bottomed out inside Murphy. He gave him a second to get used to the sensation, and then he started to move slowly. Murphy’s breath was shaky and shallow, and he felt like closing his eyes, but he kept them open because he didn’t wanna miss a second of this. 

Bellamy held onto Murphy’s hips as he pumped in and out of him, slow enough that Murphy could feel every inch of Bellamy. “Murphy, Murphy, you feel so good,” he said, clenching his jaw and watching himself move into Murphy. 

Murphy just moaned in response. He lifted his hips up a little further, needing more, needing Bellamy deeper. Bellamy noticed and sat up a little straighter before sliding his hands up the back of Murphy’s thighs and lifting his knees up to rest on his shoulders. The new angle was insane, and Murphy moaned Bellamy’s name over and over as he rocked into him, deeper than before.

“Bellamy, please, I-” Murphy said breathlessly. 

Bellamy bit the inside of his thigh gently and practically growled against his skin. "Murphy, you're amazing. You're just, I-this is all I want. I want to be good for you. I want-" he knew he was babbling but he was filled with so much emotion in that moment, for his best friend, so much bubbled up inside him and he had to bite the inside of his cheek to stop himself from saying anything he couldn't take back. 

"You are. You're everything," Murphy breathed. He closed his eyes then, but Bellamy swore he saw tears welling up in them before he did. "Bellamy I'm almost there, I-"

“Come for me baby,” Bellamy growled, and that was all it took. Hearing Bellamy call him baby sent him over the edge and Murphy swore his vision blacked out for a second before he was coming all over his stomach and thighs. Bellamy kept thrusting into him, fast and deep. 

“I’m so close Murph,” Bellamy panted.

“I want you to come in me,” Murphy whispered, skin still warm and tingly, and stomach in knots as he came down from his orgasm. 

“Fuck, Murphy. I-just-fuck,” Bellamy almost whimpered, pressing his sweaty forehead against Murphy’s shoulder and coming, buried hot and deep inside him. He felt so full as Bellamy’s body started to go slack against him. He didn’t want to move, maybe ever. 

They laid there for a few minutes, catching their breath. Murphy carded his fingers through Bellamy’s hair, letting his fingertips graze the back of his neck. Bellamy shivered and smiled against Murphy’s skin. He pulled out slowly and groaned as he pulled himself up off the mattress. “I’ll be right back, I’m gonna throw this out and get you something to clean up.”

Murphy smiled softly and watched Bellamy as he walked away. His back and his ass and his thighs and everything about him was perfect, and Murphy had wanted him for so long. He couldn’t believe Bellamy wanted him back. 

Bellamy was back in a minute with a wet towel and he handed it to Murphy and let him clean himself off. He threw the towel on the floor and Bellamy crawled into the bed next to him and laid down. He pulled Murphy down next to him and they were face to face, a couple inches from each other. Murphy stared at him, taking in his freckles, his dark eyes that still looked kind and thoughtful even after years of trials and violence and loss, his chapped lips, dark pink and full, and the sweaty curls that fell across his forehead. “Don’t leave,” Murphy whispered into the quiet room without thinking.

Bellamy licked his lower lip and met Murphy’s gaze, didn’t break eye contact. “I meant it when I said this is real. I’m not leaving. I’m right here.” Murphy let himself smile a little and slid one of his hands over Bellamy’s waist. “I’m not going anywhere,” Bellamy whispered, and pushed some hair off of Murphy’s cheek, letting his thumb trail down and graze Murphy’s lip before he let it fall to the mattress.

“Where could you go anyway, right?” Murphy said sarcastically, his face breaking out into that sneer that it always did when he said something like that.

“Shut up, Murphy,” Bellamy laughed and poked him in the ribs. Murphy pulled him closer and kissed him again, smiling into it and feeling more relaxed than he had in a long time. A few kisses and a few words later they were both asleep, completely knocked out with Murphy’s arm around Bellamy’s waist, pressed up against his back with his lips against the back of Bellamy’s shoulder, comfortable and warm against the cool sheets.


	14. you're the wish in all my prayers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I've been gone so long. I'm back and I'm not going anywhere this time. I hope whoever's still around likes this short, little update. What do you all think of the new season so far? 
> 
> ALSO!!!! I re wrote the last chapter, so if you'd like to re read it before you get to this one, that might be a good idea. I didn't like how I originally wrote the characters in it.

Murphy didn’t normally dream. Not anymore. He figured it was probably his subconscious trying to protect him from himself. But that night, in Bellamy’s bed, he did. 

He dreamt he was back in the small, dark room that the grounders had kept him in. It was stuffy and humid, and it smelled like human waste and blood and sweat. It was enough to make anyone sick. Light filtered in through a few cracks on the wall near the ceiling, but other than that it was completely dark. Murphy was alone in the room, but it was clear that it had been used many times before. He was chained to a pole in the middle of the floor with cuffs around his ankles, and his hands were tied behind his back. He leaned against the stone wall, cool on the back of his head. He tried not to move much because every time he did he could feel the open cuts on his chest and shoulders stinging. His stomach constantly churned with worry and disgust and anger, except when he passed out from exhaustion and had those dreamless sleeps. And sometimes he would hallucinate people he knew. The heavy door on the opposite wall began to creak open and he tried to sit up straight, his raw nail-less fingers scraping the ground as he did. Light began to fill the room and he squinted, but he could still make out a figure in the doorway. Before he could tell who it was, he woke up.

He was panting and sweating, gasping for air and disoriented. The room was dark, just like the room in his dream, and he rolled over and grabbed Bellamy, holding onto him for dear life, trying to calm himself down before this turned into a full-on panic attack.

Bellamy woke up and rolled over, immediately putting his arm around Murphy and pulling him close until his face was buried in the crook of Bellamy’s shoulder. “Murphy, hey, it’s okay, it was just a dream. You’re okay. You’re safe,” he soothed quietly, rubbing slow circles on the bare skin of Murphy’s back with his palm. Murphy was breathing quick and shallow against his neck and his hands were shaking where they lay against Bellamy’s chest. He moved his hand through Murphy’s sweaty hair and brushed the side of his neck with his thumb. 

Murphy was still breathing shakily, but slower, calming down a little. They lay there like that for a few minutes, and once Murphy had calmed down he pulled back a little and rolled onto his back. Bellamy propped his head up on one arm and stared at the side of Murphy’s face. “You wanna tell me what you dreamt about?”

Murphy exhaled. “Not really, but I will.”

Bellamy waited, let his fingers play gently over Murphy’s ribs. 

“I dreamt I was in the room again. The one the grounders kept me in. I didn’t have any fingernails and it smelled like shit and blood and it was so hot. I was bleeding. The door opened and someone was coming into the room but it was too bright, so I couldn’t see who it was. Then I woke up.” Murphy looked over at Bellamy with his face carefully trained to look emotionless. His eyes were empty.

Bellamy sighed and grabbed his hand. “Murphy. John. I don’t know what you went through in there. And you don’t have to talk about it ever if you don’t want to. But if you do, I’ll listen. You can tell me anything. I’m here.”

Murphy licked his bottom lip and then chewed on it, staying silent for a minute and letting Bellamy rub the back of his hand with his thumb. “I hallucinated you in there,” he admitted quietly. He felt like it was still too loud in the quiet of Bellamy’s room.

“In the dream?” Bellamy asked, furrowing his eyebrows. 

Murphy shook his head and stared up at the ceiling. “No. When I was in that room. It seemed really real. It was after I’d been there for a while. Reality was kind of blurred. I thought you were there to save me. I talked to you.”

Bellamy didn’t know what to say. If he could go back, if he could save Murphy with everything he knew and felt now, he would. He would go back in a second. But he couldn’t. 

“I wish I could’ve saved you John,” he said quietly, earnestly, tears welling up in his eyes but he swore he wouldn’t let them fall. This wasn’t about him. 

Murphy knew Bellamy only called him John when he was being really serious. The name stirred something in his heart. Only a handful of people ever used it. Adults sometimes, his teachers, his mom and dad, and Bellamy. It hurt, but it felt good too. Sometimes he felt like Murphy and John were two different people.

He wanted to tell Bellamy the rest. He wanted to tell him how he’d seen his mom too. What she’d said to him. How it had hurt. But he didn’t want to see anymore sadness or guilt in Bellamy’s face. “You did. You saved me over and over in those hallucinations. Those were the only thing that gave me hope at all. It’s okay Bellamy.”

Bellamy pulled Murphy in, against his chest, kissed the side of his head, his face, his eyelids, the corner of his mouth. “I’ll never let anybody take you away again. Ever,” he swore against Murphy’s skin between kisses.

Murphy let himself breathe, let himself feel Bellamy’s lips and hands against his skin. He felt warm and grounded, safe for the first time in a long, long time. Bellamy kissed his lips, slow and deep, with so much emotion behind it that it almost made Murphy’s head spin. 

When he pulled away, their foreheads rested against each other and Bellamy’s chest actually hurt with the weight of the words he was so terrified to say. He knew Murphy wouldn’t say them back. Knew he’d never said them to anyone. Maybe not even Emori. He decided to wait, even if he felt like he might explode. It was too soon. Or maybe just too much. He didn’t want to topple over whatever they’d been building these past couple months. 

Instead, he settled on, “Wanna go get breakfast?”


	15. trying to forget everything that isn't you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! here's another short chapter that probably should've been part of the last chapter, but oh well. LET'S TALK ABOUT LAST NIGHT'S EPISODE! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Murphy lay in the grass of the solar fields later that day, soaking up the artificial sun that the hot lights above him were giving off. He was starting to sweat, could taste it when he licked his upper lip, salty and bitter. Bellamy was off helping Monty and Raven with something, and the silence he left in his absence was too much for Murphy to sit with in the dark. So there he was, alone in the only bright light the ship had to offer, roasting away.

He couldn’t stop thinking about the grounders. It was something he rarely let himself think about. It wasn’t even on his radar most of the time because of how deep he’d pushed it. But the dream shook out the dusty tapestry of his memory and things were all too clear. He thought the lights up above could keep him somewhat grounded in reality, unlike the dark shadows of his cold, metallic apartment. He closed his eyes anyway. 

He pictured the time spent in that cement room at the grounder camp as a fly on the wall, watching himself there, chained to the floor, chest heaving with the effort of trying to breathe through the cracked ribs and deep open cuts slashed over his abdomen. He was sweating, his face gaunt and off color and his shoulder blades too prominent through his skin. The grounders kept him alive, but just barely. They fed him once a day and brought water in a rust covered bowl. It sat on the floor and they expected him to drink out of it on his knees like a dog. The first two days he had refused, kicking it away so it spilled across the cracked cement, but soon the dehydration was too much and he gave in. The shame and humiliation he felt thinking about that, about how he looked doing that, made him feel like he was being tortured all over again. 

But Murphy had always had a masochistic streak, so he kept his eyes closed and let the lights heat his eyelids as he kept thinking about the room. He didn’t tell the grounders anything for almost a week. He endured the pain, he figured he had to. Because as betrayed as he felt and as alone as he was, there was a part of him that still cared enough to try to protect them. After a few days, the hallucinations started. He was in so much pain, and so exhausted. At the time he didn’t know if it was something in the water, or his brain trying to protect him from reality, or if it WAS reality, but he’d woken up in the middle of the night to see the door to the room cracked open, moonlight and cool air filtering in softly. He stared at the open door, bracing himself for more pain, but it never came. Instead a voice had traveled softly to his ears from the shadows in the corner of the room. “It’s okay Murphy. You’re safe now. I’m getting you out of here.” He knew the voice almost as well as he knew himself. It was Bellamy. It didn’t make sense. Bellamy was the one that had banished him, wanted him dead. But he was there to save him. Murphy squinted into the shadows, trying to make out Bellamy’s face. 

Suddenly he was walking forward, into the dim, silvery light from the moon outside, kneeling down in front of Murphy, as strong and broad and shining as ever. “You hated me. You wanted me to die. Why would you save me?” Murphy whimpered, so confused and in so much pain.

Bellamy had ignored the question and just smiled softly, reached warm fingertips up to brush across Murphy’s dirty, bloody cheek. “You’re safe. Come on, let’s go.” Bellamy had bent down to unlock the cuffs on Murphy’s ankles and the fact that he magically had the key should’ve alerted Murphy that this wasn’t real, but he was so out of it. He was delusional with excitement and hope. And just as suddenly as the lock on one of the cuffs clicked the room was dark again and he was alone. He’d begun crying, laying in the fetal position on the floor, his hands still tied behind his back. He was so defeated and lonely and he couldn’t even bring his own hand up to his face to wipe the snot and blood from under his nose and the tears from his cheeks. He’d finally fallen asleep laying like that, curled up and sweating and completely spent.

Trying to figure out the difference between reality and what his own mind was creating was what eventually led him to tell the grounders everything. After a few days and nights of seeing Bellamy come to rescue him again and again only to disappear before he was free was a torture all it’s own. And twice he saw his mom. Drunker than she’d ever been and angry as always, she told him what she thought of him, how much she hated him and blamed him for ruining her life, and it was painful. By the time the grounders had pulled the five nails he’d had left off of his left hand, he’d screamed the answers at them, told them everything they wanted to know. He told them where they were from, how many of them there were, what weapons and resources they had, the location of their food and water supply, who their leaders were. He told them everything. 

Once they were satisfied with all of his desperately moaned answers, the grounders had un cuffed and untied him, and opened the door. He’d thought it was a trick, was afraid to try to walk out. He didn’t even know if his legs worked. But after they’d left the room and he sat alone for a few minutes, he hoisted himself up and stumbled out into the sunlight. 

 

 

 

“Murphy,” a voice shook him out of his daydream, if you could call it that. He opened his eyes and squinted into the light. Bellamy was right there, looking down at him and smiling a little, his face and hair framed by the light, creating an almost halo.

“Hey,” Murphy said, voice a little caught in his throat, but he tried a smile.

Bellamy sat down in the grass next to him. “Were you asleep? It’s hot as hell in here. Are you cooking yourself?”

Murphy chuckled and flicked Bellamy’s thigh with his forefinger. “Maybe I am. You’d all be better off.” He said it jokingly, but Bellamy furrowed his brow and glared down at him anyway. 

“Stop doing that. You deserve to be here as much as any of us. We wouldn’t be better off you idiot. I wouldn’t be.” Bellamy flicked him back then, right on the nose, trying to keep it light. 

Murphy pretended to try to bite his finger and Bellamy laughed. Murphy smiled in spite of himself and grabbed Bellamy, pulling him down next to him. “Cook with me for a while?”


	16. You like it just as much as me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally just wanted to write a chapter about Murphy eating Bellamy’s ass, so here you go. I hope you like it, but if you don’t I still have no regrets hahaha. 
> 
> Also, the next couple chapters will be a lot of drama and angst so I had to make some happy things happen before that. Let me know what you think! Love you guys for reading.

Time in the ship passed by slowly, but Bellamy was finding he didn’t really mind now that he had Murphy. Sometimes late at night when he could feel Murphy’s back rise and fall with slow breaths while he slept against Bellamy’s chest, he caught himself thinking maybe he’d be okay never going back to the ground again. As long as he could have this, he could put up with the algae they had to eat and the recycled air and the dark. It was almost better. In space he knew they were safe from everything but their thoughts and memories. He had Murphy all to himself. He didn’t have to worry about anything or anyone coming in and taking that away. He was happy spending his time getting to know how Murphy’s mind worked, listening to him talk and hearing his stories, and figuring out what turned him on, how to touch him and fuck him and take him apart. They had so much time in space and the little world they were living in felt too fragile for the ground.   
Bellamy shivered at the thought of it breaking and wrapped his arms around Murphy, pulling him in impossibly closer. He buried his nose in the hair at the back of Murphy’s neck, breathing him in until he fell asleep.

In the morning, Bellamy woke up to Murphy’s lips on his neck, warm and wet. He was already half hard and he tried to blink himself awake as Murphy made his way down Bellamy’s body, biting his shoulder, dragging his tongue down Bellamy’s collar bone, swirling it over his nipple, and kissing his ribs. Bellamy made a noise, almost a moan but caught deeper in his chest. Murphy smiled against his hipbone and continued his journey down Bellamy’s body until his nose was touching the dark curls right above Bellamy’s dick. He had his hands on Bellamy’s thighs, gripping tightly and pushing them apart, and he took Bellamy in his mouth without using his hands at all, and sucked him down until the head hit the back of Murphy’s throat.   
“Fuck,” Bellamy breathed. “Fuck that was so hot Murphy.” Murphy looked up at him through his eyelashes and smirked around him before sliding up slowly and pulling off with a wet sound. He put his hand on Bellamy’s dick and pumped him, still smirking at each little sound he was coaxing out of him.   
Then Murphy bit his lip and looked down at his hand, watching himself move up and down over Bellamy. “Lift your hips up a little bit?” he asked, trying for confident. Bellamy furrowed his eyebrows questioningly but he did what Murphy said, liking this take charge thing Murphy was doing. It was hot, and he wanted to see where it was going.   
Murphy dragged his hands slowly up the back of Bellamy’s muscular thighs, letting his fingernails scrape the skin a little until he was holding the back of Bellamy’s knees. He lifted Bellamy’s legs up a little and leaned down so his face was right between Bellamy’s thighs. “I wanna make your legs shake, Bell.”  
Bellamy bit his lip and felt all the blood go straight to his dick. Dirty talk was his thing. Submissive answers were Murphy’s. He didn’t know what had gotten into him this morning but he knew he didn’t want it to stop.   
Murphy hooked Bellamy’s legs over his shoulders and moved his hands to Bellamy’s ass, massaging it, kneading the skin slowly before spreading him open.   
“Murphy, you-“ Bellamy couldn’t finish his sentence because Murphy’s tongue suddenly licking a hot stripe over his hole was too distracting. “Oh my- Murphy,” he breathed as Murphy circled his rim with his tongue, achingly slow, obviously trying to tease him and make this last.   
Bellamy arched his hips up towards Murphy’s mouth, practically writhing on the bed he was so turned on. Murphy chuckled and slipped his tongue inside just as torturously slow as he was doing everything else. Bellamy moaned and tangled his fingers in the hair at the back of Murphy’s head. Murphy pumped his tongue in and out of Bellamy, the wet heat and the taste and the reactions he was getting spurring him on. Bellamy couldn’t think, couldn’t feel or see anything but Murphy’s tongue, and he could feel himself coming apart slowly, deliciously. Murphy let go of one of Bellamy’s thighs and a second later he was slipping a finger in alongside his tongue, pumping it in and out at the same pace.   
Bellamy couldn’t even comprehend that, didn’t know where Murphy had learned how to do it. He was stuttering, saying Murphy’s name over and over. He could feel his orgasm building low in his stomach. “Murphy, I’m almost there, I’m so close.”  
“I’m not stopping baby, come on. Come for me,” Murphy said lowly, finger still inside Bellamy and his breath hitting Bellamy’s hole as he talked.   
Bellamy groaned and his vision almost went black as he came hot all over his stomach and thighs.   
Murphy let his legs drop and sat up on his arms, smiling at Bellamy victoriously. “Good morning.”  
Bellamy put his arm over his face, grinning like he used to when they were younger, a real smile not tainted by stress or worry. “Great morning. Damn, Murphy.”   
Murphy crawled up the bed and pulled Bellamy’s arm back, smiling down at him and catching that softness in his eyes again. He was seeing it more and more and falling deeper into it every time. The fact that he could make Bellamy’s eyes look like that made his stomach hurt. It overwhelmed him in every way, and he never wanted to stop seeing it there. “Did I make your legs shake?”  
Bellamy laughed. “Yeah. You made me black out I think.” Murphy grinned and raised his eyebrows.   
“Mission accomplished.”  
Bellamy smiled back at him and grabbed the back of his neck, pulling him down into a sloppy, happy kiss. He could taste himself on Murphy’s tongue and he liked that, liked being part of him.   
When Murphy pulled away he was smiling and he wrinkled his nose. “You like the taste of your ass, Blake?”  
Bellamy grabbed a pillow and hit him with it. “Way to ruin the moment asshole,” he said and they both started laughing. “Come on, let’s get a shower.”

 


	17. As all my secrets start to show

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is short! love you guys <3

Now that the group on the ship was starting to make Murphy feel a little more accepted, he felt like he should take on some responsibility and help them out with everything it took to run the ship and keep them alive. He’d asked how he could help and Harper gave him a couple different times a day he could water the plants and Raven told him he could do daily maintenance checks on some of her radio and computer equipment. She showed him how to run the tests and where to record the results and let him go.

He was sitting in the control room a few days later, messing with the dials on the computer that monitored the lights in the algae fields when something he hadn’t considered in a while happened. The radio made a weird static sound and crackled, made some more white noise and then a voice came through. “Bellamy, Bellamy do you copy?” The voice wasn’t clear, it was fuzzy and distant. But he couldn’t mistake it. It was Clarke. His stomach flipped and rolled and he suddenly felt his skin get hot despite the constant chilly temperature of the ship. He closed his eyes and tried to pretend he didn’t hear it.

“Bellamy? I know this is probably pointless, but-“ the radio crackled again and then cut out completely.

Murphy clenched his fist where it lay in his lap, so hard that his knuckles got white. “Fuck,” he whispered. “Fuck.” He knew he should go tell everyone. The right thing to do would be to run down the hall and tell everyone that Clarke is still alive, she’s still down there. But all he could think about was Bellamy. It was his name she’d said. She probably still felt the same. And if they could start talking again, maybe Bellamy would too. Maybe he’d realize that this whole thing with Murphy was just something to do because it was so boring up here.

Murphy’d been growing up and changing since they’d landed on the ground for the first time. But the battle between right and wrong was still a struggle for him when he thought he might get hurt. He clenched his jaw and bit the inside of his cheek, trying to draw blood. Maybe subconsciously he was trying to punish himself for what he was about to do. He walked over to the door and looked through the window that covered the top half of it. No one was coming down the hall from either direction. He hurried over to the radio and pulled it forward on the table so he could lean over and see behind it. He recognized the transmitter immediately, plugged into a port on the back of the box. He sighed frustratedly at himself and popped the transmitter off and slid it quickly into his pocket. He pushed the radio back into place and walked across the room again, opening the door and walking down the hall toward his apartment. The transmitter felt like it was burning a hole in his pocket against his leg. When he got home, he took it out and hid it behind some books on the shelf by his bed. He turned the light off in the room and slipped back into the hallway to take a long walk to try to clear his head. 


	18. Tell me something I can sing, tell me anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I am so sorry this update took twenty-five years. I love you. I promise it won’t happen again. Two more chapters after this one I think! I don’t have a computer so this is all typed on my phone. Sorry if the formatting or editing is rough. I love you!

Murphy was walking back to his room after stopping to lay in the solar fields for a while. He was hurrying but he wasn’t afraid he’d run into anyone because he thought they’d all be at dinner. He just wanted to lock himself away and hibernate for the night. He thought that letting himself care about Bellamy had been a mistake. He knew he’d be bad at it.

He rounded the corner of his hallway and stopped short when he saw Bellamy standing in front of his door knocking. He could feel a bead of sweat drip down his back and his hands felt clammy and cold.

Bellamy noticed him before he could slip back around the corner and smiled brightly at him. Murphy inhaled, trying to catch the breath he seemed to have lost at the sight of Bellamy at his door. He did his best to genuinely smile back as he made his way towards him.

“Hey,” Bellamy smiled once Murphy was close. Murphy smiled crookedly back at him. “So listen, I’m not that hungry tonight. Are you?” Bellamy asked.

Murphy remembered the feel of the cold metal transmitter against his leg and bristled. He could taste acid in the back of his throat. “No actually, not at all.”

The corners of Bellamy’s mouth quirked up a little. “Well, you’ve been working a lot these past few weeks and I have too, and I thought it’d be nice to just be alone tonight. Together. Just hibernate and watch a movie and stuff. Skip dinner.” Bellamy was rambling with a little grin on his face and his eyes were sparkly. Murphy cursed himself inwardly for not being able to enjoy this version of Bellamy because he felt so damn guilty. Bellamy was acting nervous and excited, and instead of being cute, it was making Murphy more nervous than he already was, but he tried to play it off.

“You wanna skip dinner to be alone with me Blake? Shit, I must be doing something right,” Murphy smirked.

Bellamy rolled his eyes and grinned as he pushed past Murphy and started to punch the numbers on the door lock.

The door clicked open a second later and Bellamy grabbed Murphy’s hand and pulled him into the dark apartment. He was practically vibrating with energy, giggling as the door shut behind them. As soon as it did, Murphy felt like he could hear the transmitter creating phantom static all the way from behind the books in his room, like some telltale heart.

Bellamy was oblivious to Murphy’s racing thoughts and he pulled him in close by his shoulders, smiling and close to his face now. Murphy could smell Bellamy’s shampoo and feel the warmth of his body and in that moment he was so full of love for him that everything else started to melt away. He let Bellamy pull him in with his hands on Murphy’s cheeks, kissing him softly and deeply all at once, with so much care it made Murphy’s eyes water.

“Let me take you to bed baby,” Bellamy said lowly, his breath ghosting over Murphy’s lips. All Murphy could do was nod helplessly. He’d do anything for Bellamy. Bellamy took his hand again and pulled him toward the bedroom. Murphy leaned on the door frame while he kicked his boots off and Bellamy sat on the edge of the bed to unlace his own.

Murphy stared at him from the doorway, watching his fingers pulling the laces loose. He slipped the boots off and his eyes were soft, a small smile on his face when he looked up at Murphy. “Come here.”

Murphy walked towards him and Bellamy pulled him in, hands on his waist and thighs bracketing Murphy’s. He looked up at Murphy through his messy curls and then pulled him down onto the mattress so Bellamy was on his back and Murphy was on top of him. Murphy kissed him, slow and deep, moved his hands up Bellamy’s toned arms to his hands, where he linked their fingers and pushed Bellamy’s hands into the mattress above his head. He kissed each of Bellamy’s wrists and then moved down to Bellamy’s neck, sucking a mark into the vein on the side with his teeth.

Bellamy moaned and titled his head back, eyes closed. Murphy moved his attention to Bellamy’s earlobe, taking it between his teeth and scraping them over the skin. He pushed Bellamy’s hands further above his head and kissed him again, bit his lip and pushed his tongue into Bellamy’s mouth. He wanted Bellamy all to himself, his forever, and he wanted him to feel it. He pulled back for a second to look at Bellamy. He was breathing heavily, his lips parted and wet. His eyes were glazed over with lust for a second, but he snapped out of it and pulled on the hem of Murphy’s shirt. “Get this off baby, I wanna feel you.”

“If I do, you have to,” Murphy breathed. He loved Bellamy’s filthy mouth and he loved when he called him baby.

Bellamy pushed him back and sat up, pulling his shirt off and tossing it somewhere on the floor. Murphy sat back on his knees and did the same. He glanced over at the bookshelf, knowing which book the transmitter was behind. He felt panic creep into his chest. He was afraid Bellamy would feel how hard his heart was beating and he’d know that Murphy did something.

They were both on their knees on the bed now and Bellamy pulled Murphy in again, kissing him sloppily and digging his finger tips into the slope between Murphy’s neck and shoulders. Murphy kissed back, dragged his hands slowly down Bellamy’s chest and stomach. His fingers landed on the hem of Bellamy’s pants and he started to unbutton them. Bellamy reached down and grabbed his hands. “Wait baby, I wanna go slow,” he said against Murphy’s chin. He kissed the corner of his mouth sweetly and sat back, still holding his hands loosely, playing with his fingers. “Murphy, I- before we do this I have to tell you something.” He looked nervous and happy and excited and probably a million other emotions and suddenly Murphy knew what Bellamy was going to say. His stomach churned because he felt it too, he had for so long, and all he wants to do was hear Bellamy say it and to say it back to him. But not with this thing hidden on his bookshelf. Not with this huge lie hanging over his head.

“Bellamy wait,” he said shakily. “I have to tell you something first.”


End file.
